~fy TV- **
THE PHYSIOLOGY
OF
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
THOMAS BUTLER GUNN
WITH ILLUSTRATIONS ON WOOD,
DESIGNED AND DRAWN BY
THE "TEIANGLE," A. E. WAUD, AND THE AUTHOR, AND ENGRAVED BY JOHN ANDREW.
" Je vais, par mon pouvoir diabolique, enlever les toils des maisons ; et le dedans, va se decouvrir a vos yeux."
LE DIAISLE BOITEUX.
(I am about, by my supernatural powers, to take away the roofs from the houses, and to reveal to your eyes whatever is doin^ within them,.) ,
NEW YORK: MASON BROTHERS,
103 & 110 DUANE STREET.
1857.
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S57, by
MASON BROTHERS,
In the Clerk's Office, of the District Court, for the Southern District of New York.
ELECTHOTYPED BY THOMAS n. SMITH,
82 A 8t Beekman-st, N. Y.
PRINTED BY
C. A. ALVORD,
15 Vandewater-st, N. Y.
TO
I Inmatw jrf Itttopliteit
ESPECIALLY SINGLE YOUNG MEN, THIS BOOK
IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED
$g an €*-memI)Er of ilj
M161705
PREFACE.
i HE Bedouins — so we are informed by Layard — set any member of a tribe who is unable to sleep to watch the camels. With the like practical philosophy the Author of this volume, having had considerable experience of New York Board- ing-Houses, resolved to devote that not-altogether-agreea bly-acquired knowledge to the formation of a book.
He hopes his readers will approve the performance. He thinks some of them may recognize more or less par ticulars as the counterpart of those familiar to their own personal observation. Perhaps it were indicative of a too sanguine disposition to express expectations of securing the approbation of the proprietors and proprietresses of the Establishments treated of. He trusts, however, they will read his " Physiology.'1 They may derive profit from it — if not pleasure.
May he suggest that a more judicious present from a Boarder or Boarders to a Landlady than this volume — especially if a leaf or so be turned down in appropriate places — could scarcely be imagined ?
VI PREFACE.
And, further, may he here record his very sincere thanks to Messrs. Frank Bellew, Alfred R. Waud, and John Andrew, for their valuable and indispensable as sistance on the illustrations ?
T. B. G.
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I.
PAGE
INTRODUCTORY, METROPOLITAN, AND ANTICIPATORY 11
CHAPTER II. OF LOOKING OUT FOR A BOARDING-HOUSE 15
CHAPTER III. OF BOARDING WITH A PRIVATE FAMILY 21
CHAPTER IV.
THE CHEAP BOARDING-HOUSE ON A LARGE SCALE 31
CHAPTER V.
THE FASHIONABLE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH TO EAT 40
CHAPTER VI. THE DIRTY BOARDING-HOUSE 49
CHAPTER VII. THE HAND-TO-MOUTH BOARDING-HOUSE 58
Vlll CONTENTS.
CHAPTER VIII.
PAGE
THE " SERIOUS" BOARDING-HOUSE 65
CHAPTER IX. THE THEATRICAL BOARDING-HOUSE 76
CHAPTER X.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHEREIN SPIRITUALISM BECOMES PRE DOMINANT 86
CHAPTER XI. THE MEAN BOARDING-HOUSE 92
CHAPTER XII.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE THERE ARE MARRIAGEABLE DAUGHTERS 103
CHAPTER XIII. THE CHEAP HOTEL BOARDING-HOUSE Ill
CHAPTER XIV.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE THE LANDLADY DRINKS 117
CHAPTER XV.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHOSE LANDLADY LIKES TO BE ILL- USED 126
CHAPTER XVI.
Or A TDP-TOP BOARDING-HOUSE.. . 135
CONTENTS. IX
CHAPTER XVII.
PAGE
TlIE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE YOU 'RE EXPECTED TO MAKE LOVE TO THE LANDLADY 147
CHAPTER XVIII.
OF ANOTHER MEAN BOARDING-HOUSE 15G
•
CHAPTER XIX. THE FAMILY HOTEL ON BROADWAY 165
CHAPTER XX. THE ARTISTS' BOARDING-HOUSE 173
CHAPTER XXI.
THE VEGETARIAN BOARDING-HOUSE (AS IT WAS) 181
CHAPTER XXII.
THE MEDICAL STUDENTS' BOARDING-HOUSE 192
CHAPTER XXIII.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE FREQUENTED BY BOSTONIANS 204
CHAPTER XXIV.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHOSE LANDLADY is A SOUTHERNER. ... 214
CHAPTER XXV.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE THE LANDLADY IS FROM "DOWN
EAST" 226
1*
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XXYI.
PAGE
THE BOARDING-HOUSE IN WHICH ENGLISHMEN PREDOMINATE. . . 236
CHAPTER XXVII. THE "PENSION FRAN^AISE" 246
CHAPTER XXVIII. THE GERMAN " GASTHAUS" 255
CHAPTER XXIX.
THE IRISH IMMIGRANT BOARDING-HOUSE (AS IT WAS) 263
CHAPTER XXX. THE CHINESE BOARDING-HOUSE 270
CHAPTER XXXI. THE SAILORS' BOARDING-HOUSE 277
CHAPTER XXXII.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHICH GIVES SATISFACTION TO EVERY BODY 282
CHAPTER XXXIII. OP DIFFERENT SORTS OF BOARDERS 284
CHAPTER XXXIV. RETROSPECTIVE AND VALEDICTORY. . . 296
THE PHYSIOLOGY
OP
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES,
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCTORY, METROPOLITAN, AND ANTICIPATORY.
NDIVIDUALLY W6 haven't the
slightest doubt of the ne cessity for this work ; but being very much alive to the responsibility of emula ting Le Sage's D table Boi- teux in unroofing houses, and unvailing to our read ers the peculiarities of the Establishments whose gen eric title we have assum ed, we shall offer a preliminary word or so in justification of our task.
More than half a million of human beings are said to be resident in this capital of the Western "World. Now each individual of them has, is, or may become subject to
12
tP&YSIOLOGY OF
Boarding-House domiciliation. Like death, no class is ex empt from it. A topic of more universal interest, com mending itself equally to author-craft and the public, could scarcely be hoped for. Is it not, then, remarkable that ours should be the first attempt to grapple with it in a fitting and comprehensive manner ?
A volume such as we can conceive rather than produce — penned with profound and philosophic knowledge of the subject, scrupulous veracity, and delectable wit and wisdom — would needs be priceless. We wish we could cast such a one on the restless waters of the sea of life around us. To the lips of the student of human nature a chalice, fraught with instruction and delight, should be freely offered ; to the alien and stranger a book of good counsel and comfort ; and to mankind in general, we, like the serpent in Eden — yet possessing, withal, no latent guile — would proffer knowledge. In default of this much-to-be-desired volume, we respectfully tender ours.
The remark of a sage Gascon (who must have been the Tupper of his day), "that there's scarcely any place where so much can be seen as in the world," may, cer tainly, in a minor degree, be applied to this metropolis. It has no equal — at least, on this side of the Atlantic. It is the most free and easy place conceivable. The right to do "as you d — n please" — to quote the democratic phraseology of the aborigines — is nowhere so universally recognized, or less curbed by authority. Individual character, therefore, whether of men or social institu tions, is apt to be forcibly developed, and to present peculiarities worth noting. And we conceive that no better place for sketching these can be selected than our substitutes for homes — Boarding-Houses. Our Physi ology should contain types of a large portion of the popu lation.
NEW YOKK BOARDING-HOUSES. 13
There is another, though a secondary reason, for our book's existence. The present is a mutable generation, possessing but little of the conservative element, unwilling to pause, ever jostling onward, considering nothing final. Does it not behoove us, then, to leave record of what has been for the benefit of that illustrious personage — Pos terity ?
It is true that he may (or may not) have the privilege of turning over with indifferent hand certain dusty files of newspapers, there to rake among embers and ashes which blaze briskly enough now. But being a great phi losopher (which must certainly be the case if he avail himself of only half the books bequeathed to him), he may cogitate d la Carlyle's Past and Present, thus: " Life was a fact with my great-great-grandfather. He went to bed of nights, and got up of mornings, even as I do. He attired himself (after a very absurd and ungainly fashion, to be sure, compared with the present mode), and was hungry two or three times a day. I should like to know, in detail, how the old boy existed. Here are ad vertisements respecting Boarding-Houses. Perhaps he lived at one ? I wonder what they were !"
In anticipation of this, and for other equally good rea sons, we take pen in hand. And as the doughtiest of heroes, the mightiest of achievements, pass away when unchronicled, so — did we not undertake to embalm them in printer's ink — might the various characteristics of New York Boarding-Houses. Cheops, king of Egypt, to secure this sort of immortality, erected a pyramid — and that 's all we know about him. He 'd much better have kept a diary. We might, then, have known what he had for breakfast. A few sheets of perishable papyri pinned to Time's wing makes us cotemporary with Cleopatra. It may be, then, that a thousand years hence, some
14
NEW YORK BO AEDING-II OUSES.
student, curious in antiquarian knowledge, will, in some future Astor Library, turn over our pages, diligently in tent on the past and this Physiology of New York Boarding-Houses. Let us hope so.
CHAPTER II.
OF LOOKING OUT FOK A BOARDING-HOUSE.
THE Establishments of which we purpose to speak are many and mul tifarious, possessing their own idiocracies, and but seldom amenable to other rules and regulations than those of their proprietors. As Gow Chrom, in Scott's novel, fought " for his own hand," so each tenement may be described as sui generis, irrespective of others. They have some general characteristics, but not enough of particular ones to suggest order in their enumeration. Classification, therefore, becomes impossible. We shah1 only endeavor to place them under appropriate titles.
Where, now, to begin ? As one who for the first time enters upon Boarding- House existence is desirous of dis covering the abode of all others most suited to his neces sities and inclinations, so, here, we experience a tem porary difficulty of choice. The subject is so vast, so comprehensive. "The world" (of Boarding-Houses) "is all before us — where to choose." We will take advantage of our simile and commence by describing the proceed ings of the seeker for a Boarding-House.
16
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
He either inserts in the Herald, Tribune, or Times, an advertisement specifying his particular requirements, or consults those addressed to humanity in general through the medium of their columns — perhaps adopts both meas ures. In the former case, the next morning puts him in
possession of a vast amount of corres pondence, from the tatily-penned and Alcatel y- envelop ed billets of up- towndom to the ill-spelled, pencil- scrawled, uncover ed notes of Green wich and Hudson- streets. It matters not that he has in dicated any definite locality; sanguine householders in remote Brooklyn districts clutch at him, Hoboken resi dents yearn toward him, and the writer of a stray Williamsburg epistle is " confident that an arrangement can be made" if he will favor her with a visit. After lay ing aside as ineligible as many letters as there are Smiths in a ISTew York Directory, he devotes a morning to the purposes of inspection and selection.
He becomes acquainted with strange localities and bell- handles. He scrutinizes informatory scraps of paper wafered up beside doorways. He endures tedious wait ings at thresholds — it being a curious fact in connection with Boarding-Houses that a single application for admis sion through the usual medium never procures it. And according as his quest be high or low, so will his experi ence varv.
NEW YORK BOAKDING- HOUSES.
17
If the former, he may expect to be ushered into spa cious and luxuriously-furnished parlors, where, seated in comfortably-padded rocking-chairs, "and contemplating marble tables, on which gorgeously-bound volumes are artistically arranged, thousand-dollar piano-fortes, and mirrors capable of abashing a modest man to utter speechlessness, he will tarry the advent of stately dames,
whose dresses rustle as with conscious opulence. He will precede them — they being scrupulous as to exposure of ankles — up broad staircases to handsome apartments, and listen with bland satisfaction to the enumeration of " ah1 the modern improvements" which their mansions com prise ; nor, perhaps, be startled at the " figure" for which they may be enjoyed. If "money be no object," he will not have to seek far, or fare badly.
But the researches of him whose aspirations are cir cumscribed by a shallow purse will produce different re sults. By Irish girls, with unkempt hair and uncleanly physiognomy, he will be inducted into sitting-rooms where the Venetian blinds are kept scrupulously closed, for the
18
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
double purpose of excluding flies and preventing a too close scrutiny of the upholstery. lie will have interviews with landladies of various appearance, ages an (Character istics — landladies dubious and dingy, landladies severe and suspicious (inflexible as to " references or payments in ad vance"), landladies calm and confiding, landladies chatty and conciliatory — the majority being widows. He will
survey innumerable rooms — generally under that pecu liarly cheerful aspect attendant on unmade beds and un- emptied washing-basins — and, if of sanatory principles, examine the construction of windows in order to ascer tain whether theyjbe asphyxiative or movable. He will find occasion to admire how apartments may be indiffer ently ventilated by half-windows, and attics constructed so that standing erect within them is only practicable in one spot. How a three-feet-by-sixteen inches strip of thread bare carpet, a twelve-and-a-half-cents-Chatham-square mir ror, and a disjointed chair may, in the lively imagination of Boarding-House proprietresses, be considered, furniture. How double, triple, and even quintuple beds in single rooms, and closets into which he only succeeds in effect-
YORK BOARDING- HOUSES.
19
ing entrance by dint of violent compression between the " cot" and wall, are esteemed highly eligible accommoda tions for single gentlemen. How partitions (of a purely nominal character) may in no wise prevent the occupants of adjoining rooms from holding conversations one with the other, becoming cognizant of neighboring snores, or turnings in bed. He will observe that lavatory arrange-
ments are mostly of an imperfect description, generally comprising a frail and rickety washing-stand — which has apparently existed for ages in a Niagara of soap-suds, a ewer and. basin of limited capacity, and a cottony, web- like towel, about as well calculated for its purpose as a similar-sized sheet of blotting paper would be. In rooms which have not recently submitted to the purifying brush of the white- washer, he will notice the mortal remains of mosquitoes (not to mention more odoriferous and objec tionable insects) ornamenting ceilings and walls, where they have encountered Destiny in the shape of the slip pers or boot-soles of former occupants. All this and much
20 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
more will be revealed to the individual in search of a cheap Boarding-House.
We have foreshadowed the extremes of our subject, or as nearly so as we propose to touch upon. For, though it affords such ample scope as to include the most magnifi cent of our palace hotels — which are but Boarding-Houses, temporary or permanent — equally with the squalid tene ments of the Five Points and Cow Bay, yet there are heights to which we shah1 not care to soar, depths to which we will not descend. We intend to be neither sta tistical nor subterranean.
Nor, unattractive as our sketch of the characteristics of cheap Boarding-Houses appears, are we unconscious of the existence of Establishments where moderate prices may procure a fair average amount of comfort and cleanliness. Such will find honorable mention in our Physiology. But as in life they are infrequent, a proportionately small space will be here accorded to them.
CHAPTER III.
OF BOARDING WITH A PRIVATE FAMILY.
;ERY often, when circumstances com pel an individual to find eating, drink ing, and sleeping accommodation among strangers, he compromises the Boarding - House question by secur ing lodgings with a private family. Probably he enter tains a wholesome distrust of the Es tablishments to which our book is devoted, perhaps hopes for a nearer approach to domestic felicity for eschewing them. If prudent, however, he will religiously avoid such tenements as put forth advertisements offering "all the comforts of a home" at low, or indeed any prices. For, as few persons receive boarders from inclination, it logically follows that the resources of those who are unable to cater for more than one must be very limited, and it is more than probable that they are simply cannibals, desirous of
22 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
securing somebody to feed upon. You may in such- houses find yourself a dish for an entire family ; served up regularly at breakfast, dinner, and supper, and also fleeced to supply clothing for a brood of juvenile ogre.s. Domes tic economy of this kind can be as easily imagined as de scribed, and for this reason, as well as to shun the charge of invidiousness in selection, we shall not go into detail about it. We prefer, rather, a household of better qual ity — of which you have some preceding knowledge, and where you consent to become " one of the family."
Your landlord Brown — we choose that name as com paratively clear of libellous application — has, ttufe a wife and small family of three — -we will not take unfair advantage by supposing more. Perhaps business relations and mutual convenience have induced you to become his boarder. Mrs. B. is a prettyish woman, amiable, and well- meaning ; her children, a boy, a girl, and a baby. You possess that repugnance to and dread of all infants of tender years natural to unmarried men — except very mildly-developed ones, who, we verily believe, do succeed in getting up a timid sort of interest in them — but, apart from this, anticipate a reasonable amount of comfort in your new quarters, and, for a short time, are not disap pointed. Mrs. B. is anxious to please and be pleased, her husband, a good-humored, every-day-kind-of-man, and you popular with both. But, presently, certain disadvantages incidental to your position begin to disclose themselves.
Being treated " exactly as one of the family," it is tac itly expected that you will let pass, without comment or objection, whatever may conflict with your own tastes and inclinations. Mrs. B.'s cookery is not worse than that of the majority of young wives married from Boarding- Houses — which is to say she knows nothing at all about it — and the Celt conducts herself according to her natural
NEW YOKK BOARDING-HOUSES.
ignorance and proclivity to dirt — you must " take things as they are," and make the best of them. Little irregu larities as to meal hours — always common where there is a baby who is apt to intimate his particular wants in a not- to-be-choked-off manner — family make-shifts and expedi ents, you can not suppose will be dropped or amended in consequence of your presence. Brown is used to them ; you must become so.
When breakfast is delayed for half an hour — you fid geting all the time with thoughts of the store, work shop, or office — you can't be brutal enough to complain when you learn that " poor Mrs. B. did n't get a wink of sleep all night, the child cried so," nor would you be guilty of the discourtesy of commencing the meal in her absence. If you come down later than usual, and find reserved for you a mug-full of coffee, black, bitter as aloes, and boiling on the stove, a fragment of overcooked steak adhering to its plate through the medium of con gealed grease, a patch of liquefying butter peppered with flies, and a sodden biscuit — why " you can't expect the things to be about all day." Eat your breakfast in silence, and show your appreciation of " the comforts of a home" by not disturbing Bridget, who 's " washing up."
Mrs. B., too, and her husband, have the occasional tiffs and differences natural to the married state on unimport ant questions, at table or elsewhere, when they appeal to your judgment. You are gallant and side with the wife, upon which Brown thinks you a humbug, and hints as much. Venture on the opposite line of conduct, with ever so guarded a proviso, Mrs. B. is " disappointed in you, as she thought you had a better opinion of the ladies." So you hold your tongue, are considered sulky, and the boy and girl told not to go near you.
These innocents, also, are scarcely a source of unmixed
24 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
gratification to yourself and those about them. For the boy surreptitiously borrows your knife, breaks the smaller blade short off in endeavoring to whittle out a boat, and cuts his fingers severely — in consequence of which you get into disgrace with his mother. And the girl ad« dresses you by an abbreviation of your Christian name — having heard her father do so — favors you with " sharp" answers, and announces the calls of your friends in a shrill yell up the staircase. You incline toward both dar lings at first, but finding their affection become so rampant as scarcely to leave you a quiet moment, and the small coins at first received as a favor, soon clamorously de manded as a right, you endeavor gradually to break off — upon which they turn spiteful, and persuade Mrs. B. that you are an undeveloped Herod. She would like to know what the " poor children" have done to displease you.
Nor is this all. The Browns are sociable people, and give little parties. Mrs. B. has unmarried sisters, and young lady acquaintances. You enjoy yourself very much, and do not object "to see the girls home," even though the distance be considerable. Perhaps exhilarated by their pleasant society, and wilfully unmindful of the fact that there is another young lady who claims the monopoly of such attentions, you propose stepping into Taylor's for an ice-cream or so. She hears of it, be sure, and you are tartly informed that if you go out for walks
with Miss s', she shall retaliate in company with Mr.
Smith. (Smith is your rival, and you have a suspicion that his whiskers are more distingue-loo]dng than yours.)
Or, on rainy nights, the young ladies accept their brother-in-law's proffered hospitality; when, in conse quence of limited accommodation, you give up your room to them, and sleep on the sofa. Bachelors' apartments are not proverbially tidy, and it is just possible that you
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 25
have left certain unsealed letters, from her, in drawers, or the pockets of the old coat which serves you for a dress ing gown. Of course you wouldn't for the world suspect the young ladies of reading them. Yet you think of Madame Uluebeard in the story, and are haunted with a lively recollection of particular passages in the said letters, wherein the Misses s' personal appearance and de meanor are commented very severely upon, and such epithets as "forward minxes," "bold-faced hussies," ap plied to them. These reflections, combined with the hardness of the sofa, are quite sufficient to keep you- in a vivacious state of unrest till the morning, when you make your toilet in the back kitchen among dirty plates, house hold utensils, and irruptions from Bridget. And, innocent as " the girls" look when you bid them good-morning, you could swear they have counted the number of your dickeys, and know that your socks are awfully in need of darning.
Brown, too, has his friends who sometimes stop all night, and, of course, share your bed. Perhaps they get to sleep first, and snore. Perhaps they never can do either, in a strange couch, and so lie tumbling, tossing, and kicking, till you become equally incapable of repose. We have had bed-fellows who couldn't partake of " the balmy" unless in strange positions, such as on their backs, with their knees making a pyramid of the bed-clothes. We have also known them to moan all night like broken hearted ring-doves.*
* On such occasions — and indeed on others, such as snoring, snort ing, grunting, etc. — we have found whistling an efficacious check. It probably disturbs the unconscious s.^naders into abandoning their in voluntary accompaniment. We, therefore, advise suffering wives, when their lords commence nasal melody, to sit up in bed and whistle like so many insane key-holes. Of course the counsel is unnecessary to husbands — ladies never snore.
2
26
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
Mrs. B. returns her sisters' visits, and occasionally stays a day or two with her mother. (Nobody could be hard hearted enough to wish to keep her always at home.) During such absences, Brown and yourself are turned over to the tender mercies of Bridget, who don't make the beds till the evening. Perhaps, by special order, she institutes a general clean up. In which case, on return ing home, you find the floor of your apartment damp from a recent inundation, your hat in the shower-bath, your boots hung near the ceiling, your pipes, hair-brush, and tobacco-jar jumbled among your shirt-collars, and the rest of your property carefully put away in equally appropriate localities. You may, however, discover this in progress, and have the gratification of carrying the fur niture from the passage into your room. Of Bridget's cookery we shall say nothing, having already intimated that she is an Irishwoman, and therefore but one degree above the Hottentot zero ofthe culinary thermometer.
You are also liable to the performance of the part of cavalier to Mrs. B., in accompanying her to theaters, fetching her home from balls, etc., when Brown — it's just
NEW YOHK BOARDING- HOUSES.
like him — won't. This, of itself, would be no great hard ship, but there 's " your" young lady who wonders married women (with an emphasis on the adjective) "are not really ashamed of themselves" to be seen at such places with gentlemen, and "hopes their husbands' eyes will soon be opened." Your refusal, though vailed under never so ingenious a pretext, is perceived and re sented by Mrs. B., perhaps by her husband. Or, on the other hand, you — having no tendresse elsewhere — accord these attentions so readily as to excite his jealousy. Be tween these two stools you will need to be a dextrous moral acrobat not to come to the ground. We remember an in stance in which a husband's feel ings were so wrought upon by the fact of a boarder's esquiring his wife from a party — which he himself had expressly declined doing — that they instigated him to taking his revenge on the hat of the of fender. He was dis covered, subsequent to , their return, kicking it ^ about the passage in a "-^5^^- c^. most vindictive man ner.
Now and then you may be weak enough to suffer your self to be inveigled into assisting at Mrs. B's. Saturday evening marketings — the inducement, "'choosing some thing you like" for Sunday's dinner ; the result — carry ing the basket. Indeed, if you are of easy nature, there's no knowing what may be required of you. White-wash ing, putting up beds, conveying orders to trades-people, acting as proxy in disputing their " little bills" — and occa-
28 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
sionally advancing the money to pay them — hearing the children's lessons, keeping the garden in order — for all these tasks, and many more, you are available. If a May day moving be in contemplation, you 'd better, at the out set, dispatch a doctor's certificate of sickness to your em ployers, for you '11 have to come to it, finally, after losing a day and a half. Should your coat or pants suffer in any of these operations, Mrs. B. meets your application for repairs with a laugh, calls you an " old bachelor," and commends you to Bridget, who, in her turn, thinks you 're " betther able to atthind to such matthers yen-self thin she is."
When Brown wants to smoke, he naturally uses your cigars and apartment, hence you are suspected of inocu
lating him with low tastes, and seducing him from the bosom of his family. Unmistakable hints are thrown out as to the necessity of taking down the window cur tains and having them washed, " to get the smell out," and " poor dear baby's cough" is attributed to " that horrid tobacco." Baby, indeed* becomes a very formidable per sonage. If not on good terms with the mother, you can
NEW YORK BO AKDING-H OUSES. 29
not raise your voice above a whisper, sneeze, laugh, cough, whistle, sing, open or shut the door, without disturbing it. Terrible to reflect upon are those evenings on which Mrs. B, goes out, leaving baby to the care* of Bridget. Perhaps she takes her keys with her, when you and Brown sup on crackers, cheese, and beer (fetched and paid for, by yourself, from the corner gro cery.) He doesn't remain in-doors, but you must, having to write a letter, during the composition of which baby wails incessantly. On the infantile clamor reaching a crisis suggestive of blackness in the face, protruded eyes, and generally con vulsive appearance, you descend, and discover Bridget endeavoring to quiet her charge by filling its tiny mouth with lumps of pork fat. Half an hour subsequently you start, on your own responsibility, to fetch Mrs. B. home. About the time, too, that you have become so misanthropic on the subject of babies as to strongly recommend Godfrey's Cordial, and other opiates — in the hope of fatal results — you are requested to act as god-father.
To detail all the minutiae of annoyances ordinarily in cluded in Boarding with a Private Family, would far tran scend our limits. Another incident — warranted genuine — and we have done. We knew a lodger, who, coming home one night keyless, and finding the street-door locked, ef fected an entrance — being a bit of a gymnast — into his bed room by means of the balcony and windo\v. Next morn ing, when the servant was stirring about the house, he called to her, bidding her take the key from the top of the door (where it was generally deposited to be out of the way of the dear children) and release him. She,
30 NEW YOKK B OAK DIN G-H O USES.
startled at such an inscrutable occurrence, set up an appal ling howl, rushed up stairs into the apartment of her master and mistress, and frightened the baby into a fit. In con sequence, our friend's Brown told him at breakfast-time that this was a course of conduct he really could n't think of putting up with, and perhaps he had better find accom modations elsewhere ! Incontinently he did so.
The Boarder in a Private Family usually quits it on gen eral grounds of discontent and incompatibility of temper. He has, in fact, been so much " one of the family," that he has lost claim to his own individuality. His entertainers' presumed property in him can only be repudiated by flight, and that social hegira takes place accordingly.
CHAPTER IV.
THE CHEAP BOAKDING-HOUSE ON A LARGE SCALE.
RIVATE Boarding - Houses, in which limited num bers of persons are accommodated, will naturally preponde rate in a work of this kind ; and to them our • prefatory re marks on the impos sibility of classifica tion, are especially applicable. Like their proprietors and occupants, they are of all stations, and comprise every variety of social characteristic. We shall present such samples as have the greatest diversity, and afford scope for displaying our subject in its strongest lights.
Having emancipated our imaginary Boarder from the "Private Family," we at once turn him loose into the metropolitan world, nor shall we cramp our sphere of action by following individual adventure's. Yet we will allow his choice to guide ours in the selection of the first Establishment claiming notice. Probably, disgusted with his recent experience, he will rush to the opposite extreme,
32 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
and become an inmate of the cheap Boarding-House on a large scale.
It comprises two tenements which have been stately mansions in their day, but, like the neighborhood, have gone down in the world. Its mistress — who can recollect when there was a bridge at Canal-street, and little else beside fields north of it ; when New York had but one omnibus, which used to call at the residences of citizens for " fares ;" with much more, sounding strange and half- fabulous to the ears of the present generation — will tell you of the old Knickerbocker families resident there in the presidency of Jeiferson, and how, on ball-nights, rows of carriages stood along the triangular patch of inclosed vegetation (which the aborigines of the locality insanely denominate a Park) fronting the houses. But that 's fifty years ago ; respectability has followed fashion up town, and the two old mansions are humiliated to the condition of a cheap Boarding-House.
Their spacious rooms have been divided and subdivided into so many apartments, that the place resembles a peni tentiary, a hive, or barrack. Some contain an extra number of beds, and the minor chambers are unusually small, even for a Boarding-House. Ours — we have inti mated that we intend to draw freely on personal expe rience in our Physiology — was eight feet by six. It was just possible to open the door to sufficient width to obtain ingress, the bed partially blockading it, and upon this we could recline, poke the fire in the stove, and touch three sides of the room with perfect facility. Many a winter's night have we lain and watched the dull red glow of a handfull of anthracite glaring at us like the angry eye of a dwarf Cyclops, and once, while poking vigorously for the purpose of blinding him, we upset the stove, the pipe of which descended upon us with some violence.
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 33
A conjunction of the two staircaces having been effected by breaking down the partition-wall at the second story, you were, at first, in doubt as to which house your room appertained, only arriving at the knowledge by dint of repeatedly knocking your head against a low doorway in a dark passage, and simultaneously tumbling down two steps, which, in time, impressed the locality of the bound ary on your memory. Cumbrous old oaken staircases they were, too, of a fashion and solidity shaming those of the present day. Many a powdered beauty has, without question, in ante-revolutionary days, tripped down them, and many a red-coated, cocked-hatted officer of King George as escort. If such a couple could, by the paler moonlight peering in at the skylight above, and stealing solemnly down on the shabby, cracked, dirty plastered wall, revisit the scene now !
The mistress of the establishment is a bulky English woman of (certainly) five-and-fifty, in possession of a third husband, and the most perfectly developed snuffle we have ever encountered. A tradition has been handed down from former lodgers, that the union originated in the male party's running deeply in arrears for board, and honorably compounding the same by matrimony. He is a grave, quiet, and useful man, his wife's junior by ten or fifteen years. He does the marketing, carving, white-washing, and general repairing, and has a box of carpenter's tools in the front basement, the contents of which are in frequent use. Superficial observers fancy him the weaker vessel, but the Irish servant girls — who rather like him, but enter tain the reverse feeling toward their mistress — say Mrs. — — " has got to mind," when her husband tells her. And there's an air of quiet determination about him
which is corroborative. Mrs. 's mother (a venerable
but virulent old lady of three-score who keeps her cham-
2*
34 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
ber, and makes the girls cry when they bring her meals) is known to have predicted that her daughter " will see this one out and have another," but we own to doubts as to the correctness of her judgment.
When the houses possess their full complement of boarders — which they generally do, the Establishment being about as well-managed and dieted as can be ex pected, at the price — over fifty persons find a substitute for a home within their walls, the American element scarcely predominating over the English, Scotch, and Irish. The oldest inhabitant is an elderly Philadelphian. He has boarded there for any number of years, not with out temporary desertions, much private growling against the authorities, and innumerable resolves of a final change of residence — -always to be carried out next week. He considers ISTew York an aggressive and presumptuous me tropolis, every way inferior to his native city; tells you how, after the great fire of 1836, the former was only too happy to borrow money of the latter ; disparages the Cro- ton by contrasting it with the Schuylkill ; laments the un- healthy atmosphere of the Empire State, and defers pur chasing clothes (however strongly in need of them) until he has occasion to visit Philadelphia. Otherwise he is a rational man, though possessing strong prejudices, the bitterest of which are directed against the memory of Sidney Smith. On Sunday morning, if breakfast is de layed, he is apt to be wrathy, and sometimes, after twenty minutes pacing up and down the hall, has been known to dart oif to an indignant meal at Sweeney's. He has become identified with the Boarding-House, will probably termi nate his days there, and be buried in the back yard. Five or six years ago he lost a considerable sum of money, his box being broken open by some scoundrel then resident in the Establishment. On this occasion he quitted it — for
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 35
a whole mouth. But, like the dove to the ark, he came back again, and, to use the strong expression of a cockney boarder at that time, we don't think that the combined forces of several strong men, a steam-engine, and a bull dog, could keep him away.
In feats of in-doors pedestrianism (to which he is prone on the evenings of the working-day week, as on Sunday mornings), he is often accompanied by a long, gaunt, whitish dog, whose hair comes off when you pat him, and who is so old that he dates back to the time of the land lady's first marriage. He, too, appears part of the Estab lishment, and inseparable from it. He is always hungry, has no objection to mustard, and woii't be lost. For his mistress has several times commissioned small boys to abandon him in remote localities, but Solon (like his Phil adelphia friend) invariably returns to his old home. Once, in mid-summer, the individual thus charged made him over to the city authorities for the sum of fifty cents. But on reaching the place of detention for all lawless and unmuzzled dogs, Solon was recognized, and a message dispatched to his owners, to the effect that the senders " know'd the dog was set store by, and didn't they want him agin ?" A walk up-town, and the expenditure of ji
dollar on the part of Mr. , redeemed him. The old
dog is rather a favorite of the boarders, and will follow such as have been domiciled there for any time on Sunday afternoon rambles ; at other times dozing out his exist ence in the sitting-room, lying in summer winking in the sunlight, and in winter, beside the stove. This, and the hall, seems to be his peculiar domain. He seldom ventures into the dining-room, and if so, there is an expression of conscious guilt about his physiognomy and tail, which de notes a lively apprehension of painful consequences. This tabooed apartment is a long room at the back of
36 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
the houses, with bare white-washed walls, and a row of windows on one side, like a hospital from which the beds have been removed. In lieu of them, there are two longi tudinal tables, surrounded by excessively high stools ; and in winter, at the further end (where the landlady sits), is a stove. Hither the boarders are summoned at the hours of 7, 2 and 6, by a large bell, the jangling dissonance of which might convert one to the Turkish opinion that those arti cles are an invention of the devil. They troop in like a file of soldiers, each to his stool, partake, of their food in silence (mutely stoking themselves, as it were) and troop out again. There is little, if any, conversation. The mistress of the Establishment presides, assisted by her husband and servants, and " gets through" matters very expeditiously. As already intimated, the meals are of in differently-good quality. We have known the beef of tougher consistency and more veiny construction than was desirable, and the potatoes to exhibit as many eyes as
Argus; but on the whole, the diet was endurable. Our chief objection applies ah1 most universally to the cui sine of Boarding-Houses. The meals were uniformly served up " neither cold, nor hot" — a state St. John didn't approve of in Laodicean Christians. The soups, too, might have been improved by a less liberal allowance of grease and unground pepper, of which latter there always remained a deep sediment — as of small shot — in each plate. But the boarders were not more discontented than is generally, naturally, and inevitably the case in most Estab lishments.
*•-
There were comparatively few lady-boarders at 's.
We remember one who was strongly suspected of stealing clothing, etc., from the rooms of other lodgers. She gen-
NEW YORK BO AKDING-H OUSES. 37
erally came down to meals after the usual time, and was supposed to carry off the purloined property concealed within her superfluity of crinoline. Finally, being one day tracked, as she walked abroad, by our quiet landlord, he, upon her taking the arm of a suspicious-looking male com panion, stepped forward and suggested that perhaps she'd better not trouble herself to come back any more. Which hint she acted upon. During the excitement produced by the thefts, it was proposed to apply to a clairvoyant for the discovery of the delinquent, and a subscription got up among the boarders for thft purpose. The result was hardly satisfactory, for though the gifted seer described most minutely not only the pawn-broker's shop, but the very shelf whereon the stolen property was deposited, yet unfortunately, the particulars applied equally well to some half-hundred shelves and establishments, and the few " uncles" applied to refusing to allow their stores to be overhauled — in one case threatening to " pound" the appli cant — the guilty person was not thereby detected.
The sitting-room of our Boarding-House is a large, dull back-parlor, partially lighted by two long windows, which command a cheerful prospect of the exterior of the dining- room, a number of decayed barrels, and a sloppy, dirty passage-like yard, at the extremity of which is a deformed tree. Here (in the sitting-room), on winter evenings, the boarders congregate, to anathematize the stove when ill- tended, to spit upon it when red hot. The furniture com prises some chairs, many stools, a print of a stage coach which is yellow with age, and a spectral old sofa. To sit
38 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
down upon the latter article is a disconcerting transac tion; for though the horse hair covering retains its fully plumped appearance, the springs and stuffing have been removed, and no sooner do you deposit yourself thereon, than an un looked-for descent of at least six inches is the result. It is especially startling to fat old gentlemen.
Smoking being forbidden here (in deference to an an cient carpet, the pattern of which has long ago faded into invisibility), a small apartment like the interior of a deal- box, and formed by annexing a bit of the dining-room, is devoted to the lovers of the " flagrant weed." We re member decorating its sid« with fancy sketches and portraits of the more prominent boarders, which pro ceeding developed another characteristic on the part of the landlord. He came out with savagely ironical, but ungrammatically-written notices, the venom of which ap peared to consist in the frequent repetition of the words " some people," and wafered them up on the inner side of the street door.
On certain days the strip of yard is transformed into a grove of wet linen, for washing is done at this Establish ment. The Irish girls who perform this (and every other) species of labor, have their separate back-kitchen, which is dark, subterranean and cock-roachy, and where our landlady's snuffle is often raised in anger. Sometimes her husband acts as mediator, as also when boarders get a
little in arrear. Mrs. , by-the-by, has an awful way
of coming " down upon" defaulters. As the luckless debtor took his seat at the breakfast table, he would, in the midst of a dead silence, receive an ominously nasal in-
NEW YOKK BOARDING-HOUSES.
39
timation that she wanted to speak with him before lie went out. We have seen her glide, like an avenging Fury, after a victim. There was always a battle-royal in the hall sub sequently. We shall not readily forget her fury at being denominated a " Billingsgate" on one of these occasions. fit were unreasonable, however, to blame her for having a sharp eye to the main chance. Boarding-House keepers, in general, fully earn their gains, and many lodgers require looking after. Meantime our present Establishment is a thriving one, and it is whispered that our landlady and her husband have had conferences on the" question of re tiring to the country.
In which case what is to become of our Philadelphian?
CHAPTER V.
THE FASHIONABLE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH TO EAT.
is a stylish mansion of free stone, in a patrician neigh borhood, not far from the pleasant vicinity of Wash ington-square. Its interior decorations are of that pe culiar French - New - York order which displays more of gilding than good taste, and more of plate-glass than either ; its furniture is showy but fragile, and its domestic conveniences include, of course, " all the modern improvements."
Madame, the proprietress — she prefers being addressed by that title (and if you can do it with outre French ac-* cent so much the better) — has been a handsome woman in her day, and unwilling to relinquish pretensions to the character, now resorts to art to sustain it. She never ad vertises for boarders, considering it low, and relying en tirely on her private connection. You are received, if an applicant, much after a fashion described in our second chapter, being, however, ushered into the sitting room by a colored boy, (than whom no " hand" on a slave planta-
-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 41
tion could be more arbitrarily drilled), and his mistress generally appears in a robe-de-chambre^ with a blase look, and artificial flowers in her hair. She is particular in her inquiries as to your position, profession, and references. It always happens that there is but one room vacant — in consequence (as she incidentally informs you) of its recent occupant leaving for a tour in Europe. And in all proba bility her daughters will chance to drop in in the course of the interview, when you are accorded the favor of an immediate introduction. They are two dashing, showy girls, rather good-looking, and very brightly dressed — a little more so than is consistent with morning costume. Your reception is a gracious one, but the ladies presently diverge into a side conversation, evolving an awful famili arity with Knickerbocker names. It inevitably occurs that
they have just returned from one of Mrs. 's " caudle
receptions" on the Fifth Avenue — which fact, on a six months' repetition, is suggestive of a most melancholy state of health on the part of the lady, and a sad look-out on that of her husband. On expressing your intention of becoming an inmate of the Establishment — which Madame listens to with an air indicative of hope that you will prove worthy of the privilege — you learn that it has an especial boot-black, with whom you 're expected to make a private arrangement ; and are mildly, but firmly, requested not to bring your baggage in a cart.
If you 're a very young man, you congratulate yourself on the prospect — perhaps indulge in a few roseate visions in which those brilliant young ladies especially figure — and move in accordingly. And, certainly, you will have no cause for complaint on the score of lack of courtesy or assumption of aristocratic exclusiveness. That pervades every thing. The arrangements are as elegant as a dish of trifle or blanc mange — and as unsatisfactory.
42 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
Your chamber — in which you are requested "not to wash wide," to smoke, or to rub matches against the walls — is very neat and cleanly, and pretty well furnished, but the three chairs are of such brittle construction that you would as soon think of sitting upon them as upon spun- glass, and instinctively speculate as to what you '11 have to pay for breakage. But had you as many hands as Briareus, and wanted to wash them every half hour, you could n't be better supplied with towels. There are also dainty little bits of crochet- work under the soap dish, and tumblers, and a big china slop-jar — we don't know the French equivalent, or wouldn't horrify the reader by using such a vulgar word. The bed is small and snow- white — like a snow-drift on a child's grave. In winter it has fewer blankets on than is desirable.
You are not rung to meals by a bell, as in vulgar Boarding-Houses. The colored boy taps at your door at 9 A.M., and deferentially informs you that breakfast is ready. On descending, you find the gentlemen boarders in dressing-gowns with ropes like bell-pulls, and the ladies in elegant robes-de-chambre, with artful contriv ances of lace about their heads and busts. Severally, they accord you a gracious good-morning as you glide to the seat which Madame9 s gesture indicates, remove your napkin from its ring and spread it over your knees in preparation. The ladies are very lively and chatty, espe cially the younger one — so much so, indeed, that a cynic might suspect the existence of a design to keep the boarders' jaws otherwise employed than on the breakfast, which is light, tasty, and unsubstantial. There are very small mutton-chops, pates, nick-nacks, and French bread and coffee — made also d la Franpaise. Each dish is ex tinguished under a gorgeous cover of German silver, with which material the table is generally resplendent. You
NEW YORK BOARDING- HOUSES. 43
can read the papers, if you like, during the progress of the meal, and that without being thought ill-bred. Madame is a subscriber to the Courier and Enquirer^ the Herald, Times, and Home Journal, the two last being the favor ites of the ladies. The Herald is generally depreciated by them, but can not be dispensed with on account of its winter reports of upper-ten balls and summer correspond ence from watering-places ; their knowledge of the fash ionable world enabling them to explain the initials, and fill up the dashes by which the names of its inhabitants are half-chronicled. Madame also reads the Churchman — as a matter of duty. She is strictly orthodox, and a regular attendant at Grace Church.
Lunch, consisting of pie, delicate shavings of cold meat, and coffee, is served at 1 P.M., and dinner at 6. This meal invariably comprises five courses, commencing with thin, whi^y-brown soup, and concluding with dessert, of which water-melons form the staple in summer, and frosted apples in winter. The ladies now appear in very full-dress, and are fragrant with eau de Cologne, frangi- panni, jockey-dub, or otto of roses ; while the more magnificently got-up gentlemen sport lace shirt-fronts and wristlets, resembling the ornamental paper one sees on French plum-boxes. As at breakfast, the meal is seasoned by much animated conversation, the ladies doing their full share. All carving is performed at a side-table by a darkey of butler-like aspect, who produces remarkably small, thin slices, which are conveyed to your left side by the colored boy. If you are at all absent-minded, 6r not specially intent upon your plate, it (with the contents) is very apt to be whisked away by the last-mentioned youth, in obedience to strict, but privately-issued, instructions. And, considering the fascinations of the young ladies,
44
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ill1' *
there is great risk of this. "We have seen no less than three successive plates reft from a hungry boarder, who lacked moral courage to remonstrate. He went out sub sequently and had a porter-house steak at a Broadway restaurant.
Entrees, side-dishes, and French cookery in general, preponderate over joints, but there are plenty of artifi cial flowers and iced-water. The pastry is of the lightest consistency and most delicate construction, and you are helped to bits shaped like an attenuated triangle. A cup or two of green, and very weak tea, served in the adjoin ing parlor, after the lapse of half an hour, concludes the repast.
The boarders, like the Establishment, are eminently genteel. At the time of our sojourn they were very much as follows : Two superannuated bank clerks, a stock-broker, three or four Cubans, an old major who had been in the Canadian army, a fast young Southerner from South Carolina, a London architect, and a crockery and China merchant from Canal-street. This last was an ob liging individual, very much alive to the inferiority of his social position and the privilege of being admitted to such aristocratic society. He received the rallyings of the young ladies and their playful allusions to "the shop"
NEW YOKK BOARDING-HOUSES. 45
with much humility and good-humor, and we suspect him of secretly admiring one of them. Madame made him useful in many ways. When it became desirable to snub any boarder, he (the crockery merchant) was put into the position of the offender, after the flogging ~boy system once pursued in the education of young princes, by which they took their flagellations by deputy. As witness the following instance. The Cubans would smoke in their chambers, disregarding the injunction that confined that indulgence to a balcony in the rear of the dining-room.
So Mr. , to whom the slightest whiff of tobacco was
productive of great intestinal discommotion, was severely cautioned "not to do that again," and informed that if he must have his horrid cigars, he 'd better smoke 'em at the store, down town.
Each of the young ladies has her part, and admirably does she play up to it. The elder, who is one-and-lwenty, affects the sentimental and literary, occasionally flavoring it by a dash of piety. She admires Longfellow, Holmes, and Tupper, and looks upon Willis as a fallen angel. The younger (who is about eight een) aspires to the character of a fast young lady, is partic- ^A- V
k-
ing, thinks sleighing "first-rate fun," and adores Mr. Wallack
Lester (which amiable weakness, by-the-by, is not uncom mon with up-town young ladies). She aims, too, at smart ness in conversation, and brilliancy of repartee, principally at the expense of weak-minded or unguarded persons, for
46 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
whom she sets little pit-falls — as thus. You hear her as sert strong distaste for some book, tune, fashion, etc. — being the very reverse of former professions. You inno cently express surprise, commencing with the fatal words,
" I thought — " When Miss immediately breaks in
upon the sentence, exclaiming, with great vivacity, " O,
Mr. , it don't do always to trust one's thoughts !
I thought, at first, you were very clever and amusing — and you >re not /" Upon which you are supposed to be crushed for the rest of the evening. This lady's fascina- tipns are brought to bear on the younger of the bachelor boarders, and two of the Cubans are desperately in love with her. Her sister devotes herself to the seniors, and we incline to the supposition that she will, in the long run — after she has sufficiently humiliated him — marry the crockery merchant.
Both the young ladies and their mother come out in great force in the evenings. She does not pretend to music, but they both play and sing, after due solicitation. Conversation turns mostly on the newest novel, fashion, or marriage, and THE OPERA. There is also another topic — next door. Madame has a standing feud with one of her neighbors, who attempts to depreciate her as the keeper of a Boarding-House. She wiU " reckon up" their origin for you with dreadful exactness, and designates them as low, stuck-up people. With respect to her position in life, she feelingly hints that undeserved misfortunes have reduced her to it, and says that but for the dear girls she shouldn't have thought of surviving the death of her husband.
The reader will have noticed that in our enumeration of the various boarders no ladies appear. Madame always avoids admitting such, unless old. This, we think, will be found to be invariably the case in all Establishments where there are unmarried daughters, and for double reasons.
NEW YORK BOARDING- HOUSES. 47
In the first place, it is desirable to avoid risk of counter attractions, in the second place, ladies are apt to observe each other too much and too closely. The many little dodges which to the thick sight of man are invisible, lie quite open to the quick eye of woman.
Yet we do recollect a lady-boarder, too. But she was old, rich, and had a son, whom the younger daughter did especially favor. He, a mild youth, addicted to playing on the flute, used to collect the rents of various tenement houses, owned by his mother (and sometimes came home with black-eyes in consequence). This lady and her son, may, with one of the elderly stock-brokers, have claimed this title of Pet-Boarders. (We shall have much to say of the species hereafter.) He was a fussy old boy of sixty, accustomed to diluting the editorials of the Courier and Enquirer and delivering them in an oracular manner as his opinions over the dinner-table. His linen was very par ticularly cared for, and the young ladies marked his shirts and pocket handkerchiefs with their own fair hands.
During the summer season, the blinds in the front of the house are kept scrupulously closed, and every thing done to give it an " out of town" look. If the ladies stir abroad it is at early morning, or late at night, and then so limp in figure, and disguised in aspect that you would scarcely recognize them. But, for the most part, they con fine themselves to back rooms, Madame even discarding the basement, which is her place of business, wiiere trades people wait upon her, have their bills severely scrutinized, and occasionally are brought up sharp about overcharges.
The boarders' payments are monthly. You find a small billet in a delicate envelope, directed in an angular Italian hand, stuck in the looking-glass, and containing your bill — always on the morning before it is due. And, if a week elapse without payment, you discover a remarkable change
48
NEW YORK BO AEDING-HOUSES.
in the demeanor of the young ladies toward you. They will become quite cool, absolutely Arctic. Madame is not accustomed to admitting arrears. She tells the crock ery merchant that she never has boarders who don't pay punctually. If you would develop her displeasure still further, only spill a cup of coffee on the clean table cloth.
A ball celebrates each anniversary of the opening of her Establishment, when there is a great display of dancing, lemonade, candies, bon-bons, ginger wine, and artificial flowers. Most of the ladies invited are ugly, and " dear friends" of her daughters. They are recommended to you with charming cordiality, as most excellent, intellectual girls. (And, by the way, we never knew an ugly woman who was?i)t excellent, or intellectual.) On these occasions the arbiter of fashion, the janitor of upper tendom, the sexton of Grace Church — in a word, the great BKOWN is in the ascendant. He is a friend of Madame' >s.
And thus, in her glory, we leave her.
CHAPTER VI.
THE DIRTY BOAKDING-HOUSE.
ERE we simply guided by our own inclinations, it is more than prob able that we should blink the responsibil ity of writing this chapter. We don't affect to despise that respectable proverb which asserts that no body can touch pitch without being denied. But in our capacity of pen-and-ink photographist, we can not afford to ignore the existence of the Dirty Boarding-House. Our book would be incomplete without it. Having no choice, then, but to proceed, we do so — premising that the reader shall not be detained longer than is neces sary within the uncleanly Establishment we select as an extreme type of a class of dwellings which are only too numerous.
It is a dingy, narrow-fronted, three-story edifice, in a mean street on the east side of the town, within two doors of one of our busiest thoroughfares. Its mistress, a lady of Irish extraction, has retained, in full perfection, that lively antipathy to soap and water characteristic of her
3
50 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
nationality. Her husband is a policeman. And six or seven ubiquitous children impart the reverse of gladness to their mutual household.
Mrs. 's hydrophobia is equally manifest in her per son, children, and Establishment — the former being large, loose, oleaginous and black-worsted-stockinged ; the second, unkempt, inodorous, and ragged ; and the three emphatically dirty. Her hair is red, and coiffe d la horsetail. Her dress favors the spectator with glimpses of her stays. She has a generally un-tied5 stringy, down- at-heel-and-go-to-bed-with-her-clothes-on aspect. No good man could look at her without a wish to put her under a pump. Which would be also his impulse with respect to the children.
Their ages range from three months to eight years, the minors being vociferous twins. Their affections are con fined to dirt-pies, candies, dead cats, and the gutters of the vicinity. It is difficult to avoid treading on them as you mount the staircase, which is generally — if we may be allowed the expression — in a squirmy condition.
The premises are of peculiar construction. A little dry-goods establishment, having no connection with them, occupies the lower story ; ascent to the upper rooms being gained by the narrow and excessively dirty staircase just alluded to. These extend over a boot-store in the adja cent thoroughfare, as we discovered on the first night of our sojourn hi the Dirty Boarding-House. We were then inducted into a small room, very like the interior of a collapsed diving-bell. It had no particular shape, and but one window, which was hermetically fastened, and looked into a sort of shaft, covered at top by a cucumber-frame skylight for the purpose of illuminating the premises be low. Opposite us, in an apartment of similar construction, we remarked that two of the window-panes had been re-
NEW YOKK BOARDING-HOUSES. 51
moved — possibly for ventilation — thus allowing one of the occupants an opportunity of sticking his feet through, and going to sleep in that position. We thought of plagiar izing the idea — it was in July — but were doubtful as to the result. Our neighbors — two rough, good-humored laboring- men, sometimes played the banjo, and sometimes fought in bed. They also sent the landlady's eldest son out for beer, and generously invited us to partake ; bringing it into our chamber at midnight, in a ewer. And once they made our room-mate drunk on New England rum with tobacco in it. He was a remarkably ugly boy, the expression of whose countenance could only be compared to that of a bilious codfish attempting to swallow a can non ball. He used to make himself ill in attempting to smoke strong cigars, and, at first, manifested an inclination to become unpleasantly confidential on the subject of his "busts." He received our advice — to confine his in dulgences to pea-nuts and the Bowery pit — with indig nation.
Heat and insect phlebotomists — after four nights' occu pancy of this apartment — effected our removal to another. This was a little room over the passage, which had been white- washed no later than three years ago ; and where we had the unshared privilege of feeding myriads of creeping carnivori. We never saw "Red Rovers" in such profusion or of equal ferocity. They would have reduced a Daniel Lambert. to an anatomical preparation in the course of one summer. We soon learnt why the old English poets made the devil lord of insects. " Ne'er a king's son in Christendom could be better bitten." We were spotted all over like a leopard, and had to go to sleep
52 TIIE PHYSIOLOGY OF
with a lamp and matches by our bed-side ; waking up, regularly, to half hourly battues — or, rather, to explosive and inodorous cremations. Of the size of these vampires our readers may form some idea by the fact that there was an awful legend current among the boarders, that the crystal of a watch had been broken by an elderly bed-bug tumbling upon it !
If the speculative question propounded by Lowell's Parson Wilbur — whether Noah was justified in preserv ing this portion of the animal tribe — had been submitted to the inmates of the Dirty Boarding-House, we are con fident that a most emphatic negative would have been rendered ! The opinion of the learned Italian Jesuit Giulio Cordara (so complimentary to Providence) — that insects did n't exist in Paradise, but were created subse quent to the fall, for the especial annoyance of mankind — might have been received with favor.
Bed-making was performed at any hour from 3 to 7 p. M., by a relative of the landlady's, who also officiated as cook and general attendant. One room, extending from front to rear, over the dry-goods store, served as parlor, kitchen, and dining-room. A big, white screen concealed the culinary department from general observa tion, behind which — judging from auricular-olfactory tes timony — was a mixed-up arrangement of pots and pans, babies, crockery, cradles, cooking-stoves, and blankets. We believe the landlady, her husband, children and ser vant slept there. In the public half the boarders used to divert themselves by killing cock-roaches of evenings.
The diet provided at the Dirty Boarding-House was plentiful, though porky — swine's flesh forming its staple. Porgies — purchased in their decadence from perambula- tory fish-vendors — sometimes varied this anti-Hebraical
NEW YORK BOAEDING-H OUSES. 53
peculiarity. The coffee tasted like diluted molasses, fla vored with roast peas, chicory, Flanders-brick, and dirt. The hashes were tallowy. The buckwheat cakes partook equally of the characteristics of flannel and gutta-percha — and sometimes had insects (known as Croton-water bugs) in them. But pork was the universal dish. Every body was over-porked. Boarders had rashes brought out upon them in consequence, and we remember one consulting a doctor under the impression that he had contracted varioloid.
There might have been a dozen boarders. The aristo crats of the place were a dispensary doctor (who generally fuddled himself on Monday morning, and continued in that condition until Saturday night); a dry-goods clerk from the store below ; and a young man engaged in the wholesale fish-exporting business, down-town. The latter used to perfume the room with a bouquet de salt-mackerel. Another boarder aspired to the position of Pet, and was hated by the rest because he brought home butter of an athletic description, as an equivalent for his entertain ment ; also — it was said — cheating the landlady by alter ing the weight-mark on the top of the firkin. Injustice, however, be it remarked, that he could eat of it at table. He even professed to like it.
The " peck of dirt" assigned by an unpleasant proverb to every member of the human family, as part of his inevitable aliment, might have been disposed of in a very short time at the Dirty Boarding-House. The landlady didn't waste time in washing plates, dishes, and other gastronomic uten sils, an/1 a sediment of a week's antiquity often collected in the bottoms of the pitchers. The knives and forks were picturesque and various in size and pattern, the backs of the former having been worn into a keen edge, and most of the latter owning broken, dis-
54 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
torted prongs, and revolving handles. Some had been re paired with putty, which came off in use. (This applies also to the plates.) The cruets stood awry, and were destitute of stoppers (which might account for the presence of hairs and crumbs in the ketchup). It was advisable to scrape the surface of the salt before chipping a lit out for use. The table-cloth resembled a map of the United States, in consequence of the many parti-colored stains ornamenting it. We believe it was reversed — once a fortnight.
The like stoical indifference, amounting almost to sub limity, to what ordinary mortals affect to consider the de cencies of daily life, exhibited itself in other particulars. In bed-making, one sheet only was changed at a time, and many of the blankets had large gaps in what ought to have been their centers — admirably adapting them to summer use. We incline to the belief that the towels (originally constructed from ancient coffee-bags) were washed but once a year, though the ingenious expedient of shifting them from room to room slightly disguised this fact, or invested it with the charm of novelty. So seldom was broom or brush used in our apartment, that on our shedding a shirt-button, it lay undisturbed beside the wrashing-stand until rendered invisible by the fine coat ing of dust which successive weeks deposited upon it. And this, too, in spite of the servant's passion for keeping windows closed. She and her mistress had as great an aversion to fresh air as to water. There was always an atmosphere of the night Before last in the dining-room.
The landlord — a man with a face like a dyspeptic bull dog — we saw very little of. He used to come home at all hours of the day and night, and generally went imme diately to bed (behind the screen), though sometimes he might be observed lingering about the entry, or a low groggery at the corner of the block. On these occa-
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 55
sions he was often accompanied by an individual possess ing the most unmistakably rascally face we had ever looked upon. Let our readers picture to themselves a hybrid between an ourang-outang and a hyena, and it will give them some idea of his countenance. Subsequently we learned that the fellow was a Tombs lawyer, which, in a manner, justified his physiognomy.
Boarders were expected to pay up promptly in the Dirty Establishment. We remember a row occurring at breakfast, on the occasion of a defaulter taking his seat before settling for the past week. After much verbal profanity on both sides, the policeman attempted to eject his lodger, seizing him by the hair of his head for that purpose. They tumbled down stairs together, and into a fight at the bottom. Our landlord had the worst of it, nor was he rescued from his antagonist until his wife and the servant came to his assistance. The nose of the latter young lady sustained some injury in the conflict, and resembled a damaged tomato for three days afterward.
This damsel (who was much horrified on the above occasion, by the doctor's proposition to amputate her proboscis) might have been selected as the extreme type of objectionable Biddyness. She never took oif her clothes, washed or combed herself, or went out of doors. Her intellect was not equal to the comprehension of a simple request, and repetition confused her. You might have sown potatoes in her brogue, it was so thick. She would have been perfectly contented on an exclusive diet of the skins of her national vegetable, and tobacco. She had but a limited idea of cause and effect. We have seen her fill a stove with big lumps of anthracite, and apply a solitary match to the bottom for the purpose of producing ignition : have known her to trim a lamp with vinegar — or what passed for it (diluted vitriol) in the Dirty Board-
50
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ing House. An unfortunate partiality for smoking often brought her within danger of extempore and involun tary Sutteeisni) as she was frequently discover ed in a state of slow combustion, in conse quence of the presence of unextinguished pipes in her pocket. "We put her out, once, with the con tents of a slop-pail. (It did n't make her dirtier.) Also she had several nar row escapes from blowing herself up with camphene, which, we doubt not, she will finally effect. We shall read of it in the papers some day.
In the ceiling of the room overlooking the adjoining thoroughfare — a large one containing four beds — there was a trap-door, affording egress on to the roof. Here, on summer nights, the boarders would assemble, in their shirt sleeves, to indulge in beer and short pipes — occasionally varying those contemplative enjoyments by pelting the cats, with which the neighboring roofs abounded. Once they borrowed a fowling-piece, which, being loaded with small shot, brought many feline flirtations to a tragic con clusion.* The victims, if obtainable, were generally dropped down their owners' chimneys. This subsequently led to a discontinuance of the practice. Another amusement, in troduced by the doctor, met with great favor. It con sisted in standing at a window on Sunday afternoons, and dazzling the eyes of pedestrians or occupants of opposite houses, with the reflection produced by agitating a look-
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
57
ing-glass. A gaunt carpenter and his wife (Spiritualists) actually invited a roomful of friends to witness this in scrutable phenomena, when, unhappily, the secret was discovered in consequence of over-zeal on the part of the operators. No less than six mirrors, at an equal number of windows, were in use on that occasion.
Such were the diversions, and such our experience of a Dirty Boarding-House. May the reader never have to reside in one !
CHAPTER YII.
THE "HAND-TO-MOUTH" BOARDING-HOUSE.
HIS Establishment stands in one of those shabby thorough fares which the extension of Canal-street is rapidly improv ing off the face of New York. It is a frame house, and like its mistress, of forlorn and pinched-up aspect, both having seen better days. Like her, too, it has sometimes made attempts to brighten up a little, and show a cheery face to the world — and looked more dismal for the failure.
Miss is a maiden lady, so palpably past the merid ian of life, that she does not attempt to deny it. Her face is thin and withered, and two long, hay-colored curls de pend mournfully on either side of it. Her figure is so de void of symmetry, that, but for her countenance, you would be in doubt as to which side of her you were stand ing. She does not dress herself tastefully. Every wray she is a plain, unpicturesque old maid — just such a one as young ladies are prone to favor with valentines represent ing witch-like harridans on broomsticks, or surrounded by
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 59
attendant familiars, in the shapes of cats, parrots, and devils.
She has kept a Boarding-House for upward of twenty years, but it has scarcely returned the compliment. For twice that time her industry has failed to lift her above the dread of to-morrow. That she works hard, her bony hands attest — that she rises early, the Irish servant-girl often grumblingly avows — that the dietary and domestic arrangements are needlessly expensive, the boarders would indignantly deny — yet it is certain that Miss is al ways a little in arrears with the world — of all creditors the most unmerciful, and the surest to take interest out of its debtors in a disagreeable manner.
Her house, described in the Sun (to which entertaining journal she is a subscriber) as containing " genteel apart ments within five minutes' walk of Broadway," comprises half-a-dozen indifferently-furnished rooms, exclusive of the parlor and kitchen. The former of these has a threadbare, but miraculously-darned carpet, a sprinkling of feeble- backed cane chairs — which are very shaky on their legs — a faded sofa, an ancestral rocking-chair (with one of those aggravating pieces of clean crochet-work which stick to your hair or tumble off when you sit down, spread carefully over its top) and a gaunt piano, which has not been tuned since the presidency of James K. Polk. The chambers, too, are equipped in an equally poor manner, but though the sheets display so many patches as to impart a scratch ing sensation to the spines of recumbent boarders, no Broadway dandy's shirt-front could be more scrupulously washed.
Of course, as the Establishment is a cheap one, the quality of the meals furnished is not of the first order.
Miss (in common with the landladies of most poor
Boarding-Houses, and some well-to-do ones), does her own
60 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
marketing, trudging through rain or sunshine at early morning, and returning with a heavy basket laden with such provisions as her slender purse affords. Occasionally, however, she is unable to effect this without debt ; and complains bitterly (or would do so, had any one the com plaisance to listen to her), that butchers take advantage of this, in supplying inferior meat at increased prices. Her groceries are often purchased in small quantities, just enough for each meal, previous to which the servant may be seen hurrying from the corner store, with a loaf under each arm, and various cone-shaped parcels of coffee, tea or sugar, wrapped in that coarse straw paper peculiarly de voted to such purposes. Sometimes Miss is necessi tated to waylay you in the passage, to solicit cash advances on your week's board, upon which the quality of your dinner will depend. It is politic, as well as good-natured, to comply, as you will thereby secure a savory dish or so, as well as the good-will of your landlady.
Sooth to say, what with her landlord's regular yearly demand for higher rent and the increasing price of food, she has a hard time of it. She owes her servant money, who, consequently brow-beats and defies her, and invites muscular Irishmen into the kitchen, with scarcely a feint of the usual apologetic fiction, " Shure, it's me cousin, mum !" She is in arrears with her milkman, who abso lutely lords it over her, and has, more than once, cut off the supply of lacteal fluid. Her coal merchant demurs about bringing a ton of Red Ash or Peach Orchard — until paid, like a subscription to a newly-started newspaper, " punctually in advance." Nor are her cares and anxieties particularly lightened by the comments of her boarders, or their general behavior to her.
Not that there is — on the part of the male boarders — any especial manifestation of want of feeling and consid-
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 61
eration (beyond that spirit of antagonism we shall have occasion, hereafter, to remark as frequently existing be tween the mistresses of these Establishments and their lodgers). As is generally the case, they are more un thinkingly than intentionally unjust.
Half a dozen careless men (engaged in various employ ments, as printers, gilders, clerks, etc.), could scarcely be expected to trouble themselves with considerations of deli cacy on the behalf of the lonely old maid who contracted to supply their necessities of eating, drinking, and sleeping. So they grumbled occasionally at the deficiencies at table, cut jokes at their landlady's personal appearance and pre sumed hopeless aspirations toward matrimony, quizzed her peculiarities, and loaned or refused her money with equal brusquerie. But the demeanor of the lady-boarders deserves special mention, as illustrative of the kindness of heart sometimes exhibited by woman toward the weaker of their own sex.
They were but two in number, wives of boarders. Their leisure — that is to say the whole of their time — appeared
to be divided between Broadway, the novels of Mr. G. W. Reynolds, and disquisitions on the characters of such
62 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
persons as enjoyed the felicity of their acquaintance. When they came down late to breakfast — which they in variably did — with limp figures, hair screwed up in frag ments of last week's Police Gazette, and similar graceful deshabille — one could n't help envying the happiness of their husbands, who sewed on their own shirt-buttons, the ladies declining such tasks, and, indeed, all needlework, on the standing plea of sickness. One had a child, a puny, weak little creature, afflicted with water on the brain, of which it subsequently died. And many an evening, when the "be-rouged, \)Q-hooped, and "be-flounced mother was disporting herself at cheap public balls, did
poor Miss take care of this child. When it died its
affectionate parent said, " perhaps it was a good thing for God to take it." Probably it was.
But it was not to be expected that any such simple good offices on the part of the landlady could mollify the indignation and contempt entertained by this lady and her companion toward one who had failed in that great object of female ambition (in their eyes) — catching a hus band. They were perpetually, persistently, and inexorably down upon her. All her shortcomings and piteous shifts to keep up appearances were dragged into light, sneered at, and tattled about. They knew the number of her dresses, and how often they had been turned and dyed. They forbade their husbands advancing loans to her, on account of board, or still more insultingly recommended it ; subsequently informing every body of the obligation. They were implacable toward little delays in the appear ance of meals, assuming a clamorous indignation at their husbands being " kept away from business" — if but for ten minutes. They evinced a preternatural facility of discovering deteriorations of diet, and sometimes suc ceeded in setting the men grumbling. They indirectly
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
63
accused her of appropriating small quantities of coal from their private stores to her own use. (This, by the way, is a fruitful source of squabbles in most Boarding- Houses. We have known a suspicious individual to to sit up all night in a dark cellar in order to detect purely imaginary dep redators.) They so badgered and worried the servants on the question of having their breakfasts brought up to them in bed, that
Miss declared,
tearfully, "It was im possible to get a girl to stay with her." They invented rancorous slanders about the lan<3(^ lady's antecedents, and sowed them broadcast among her tradesfolks. And, finally, they af fected virtuously improper surmises on her manifesting emotion at the receipt of letters directed in a masculine hand, from California. We believe they came from an only brother who had n't behaved very well to her, and had been exported to the diggings by his sister's money. She used to cry a good. deal over them, and to sit up late in the back parlor writing long answers by the light of an
oil lamp, which smelt unpleasantly.
*******
Very far from us be it to arraign the average justice accorded by the world to our lonely spinster, or to her class. The term " old maid" — ordinarily affixed like a
64 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
tin-kettle to the tail of an unoffending animal, to torment its bearer and amuse lookers-on — could scarcely be ren dered less ludicrous or more endurable by our champion ship. Yet it might be worthy of inquiry whether a too large license is not accorded to wives over their single sisters. Whether their whims, oddities, and eccentricities are not passed over very lightly, in comparison with those of the solitary virgin whose temper is fretted into asperi ties by the world's indifference or contempt. And, finally, whether some old maids are not as good, kindly and un selfish creatures as any in the world.
It is too generally assumed that unmarried women are so compulsorily. But whether this is the case or no, why should one sex be ridiculed for its voluntary or involun tary choice, while the other is allowed to consult its selfish pleasure ? Listen to noble Jean Paul, " It is not always our duty to marry, but is always our duty to abide by right, not to purchase happiness bf*the loss of honor, nor
to avoid unweddedness by untruthfulness."
*******
With respect to poor Miss , we can only hope that
the brother who didn't behave very well to her may have luck at the diggings, and come back to redeem his char acter.
CHAPTER YIII.
THE " SERIOUS" BOARDING-HOUSE,
S, though not within what were once considered the limits of upper-tendom — being south of Bleecker-street — just on its an cient confines. A plain house of somher color, on the shady side of the way in the afternoon, the door bearing its mistress' name in black letters upon a square and brightly-polished brass plate. The steps are, even in winter, kept scrupulously clean, and the area-gate locked ; tradesfolks being expected to ring a bell especially devoted to them. You will not, in general, hear of this Establishment through the medium of adver tisements, neither does the landlady reply to any. " She is thankful," she tells you, "that her house is mostly full." She has been known, occasionally, to insert a few lines in the Evangelist newspaper.
On applying for board — which, however, unless you 're a mildly-developed young man, or under the coercion of severely religious parents, you 're not at all likely to do —
66 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
expect to be inducted into a grim front parlor. There, you will scarcely have time to observe a book-case filled with volumes of sermons and such light literature, (which is always kept locked, possibly from motives of humanity,) half a dozen strait-backed and very unaccommodating look ing chairs, a cheerful lithograph, representing a number of savages engaged in knocking a missionary's brains out with big clubs, and badly executed portraits, in oil, of the landlady and her husband, when the former appears. Being, as aforesaid, a mildly-developed youth, you prob ably have not read Dickens' David Copperfield, otherwise you would instinctively jump at the idea that Miss Murd- stone had quarreled with her amiable brother, emigrated to New York, got married, and set up as the keeper of a Boarding-House. Mrs. — - — might, we are persuaded, have played the part at Burton's, with immense success, on the strength of her countenance alone.
She receives you with stony politeness, and at once proceeds to inform you of the rules of her establishment ; characterizing it as a quiet, Christian one. Cards, latch keys, reading in bed, Sunday papers, and smoking, are prohibited. With respect to the last-mentioned luxuries, however, she grimly concedes, that she can't prevent your indulging in them in your own room — if you find pleasure in such things — but, she adds, she does n't wish a bad ex ample set to her young gentlemen. As to the question of latch-keys, if any unavoidable occasion necessitate your being out later than eleven, " at which hour we invariably
lock the street door," Mr. (her husband) will sit up
for you.
This gentleman — we shah1 fancy the reader weak enough to become a boarder — is somewhat advanced in years, and has an expression of countenance such as might be sup posed would be produced by an exclusive diet of persim-
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 67
mons. Like his wife, he is a Presbyterian — Hard-Shell de nomination. They entertain strong views as to creed, objecting to all Christians of other denominations, to music, dancing, books (unless serious ones) theatres, and any attempt at cheerfulness on Sunday. The day, by the by, is scarcely known to them by that good, old-fashioned word, " the Sabbath," and "Lord's day," having usurped its place. But rigidly righteous as this may seem, their faith is en tirely eclipsed by the virulent theology of Mrs. 's
mother, a formidable old lady, who wears a cap similar to that in which Hannah More is generally depicted. Her Christianity is of the most sulphureously blue-light order. She has the liveliest belief in what a friend of ours once
felicitously termed " the inherent d nation of every
body." Indeed, Pandemonium is so unpleasantly promi nent in the excellent matron's creed, as to excite a sus picion that it is to her religion (and that of those resem bling her) what pickles are to lunch — a great zest and relish.
The boarders — especially such as differ in faith from the family — frequently come in for the benefit of the opinions of this venerable female. In common with her daughter and son in-law, she has an especially pious aversion to Roman Catholicism — which she terms " Idolatry" — and to Episcopalianism. We remember her informing a lady of the latter persuasion, who had ventured on a mild en- conium on the Church of England service for the Burial of the Dead, that it was only " a whitening of sepulchres ;" and that if she looked for salvation in that quarter, she 'd be very unpleasantly undeceived, some day. In which healthy sentiment she was abetted by another boarder, also malignantly-orthodox, .according to the Calvinistic standard. This lady had had three husbands, two of whom committed suicide, while the third ran away from
68 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
her. She considered the world wicked enough to deserve a much worse punishment than burning up (could it be conveniently contrived) but hadv individually, a great terror of quitting it. For let but a hint be dropped of the presence of any slight epidemic in the city, she in stantly left town.
Three times each Sunday did she, the landlady, and
landlady's mother, go to church; Mr. sometimes
accompanying them. His preparatory "grace" before dinner was longer on that day than others. If any thing detained him the boarders were expected to wait, unless one took the office upon himself. During the time of our sojourn one gentleman was particularly available for this, being a clergyman and ex-missionary, and the landlady's especial pridevglory, and bulwark of Presbyterian respec tability.
He was a kindly-natured man, rather cramped by his creed, as is not uncommonly the case with his class. Too much is expected of them. If we persist in demanding an inhuman amount of perfection from our spiritual in structors, it is no wonder if some become straight-laced. And this, we think, accounts for the very general and un just accusation of hypocrisy made against clergymen. For one can't go through life, maintaining an unpleasantly per fect altitude above fallible mortals, without risking that, or the sin of over-righteousness — of all sins the most abominable. Our clergyman was comparatively free from both, though a latent stratum of intolerance, underlying his piety, became eruptive on occasion. A quick-tempered, narrow-minded, conscientious, opinionated, and charitable man, he only lacked large-heartedness to become agood one.
He was a widower, without family, though fulfilling the double part of uncle and preceptor to a boy of twelve — one of the most extraordinary of juveniles.
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 69
It is a privilege to have known that moral and intellec tual Phenomenon. He was a rosy-faced, dark-haired, near sighted youth, possessing a small, flute-like voice, and pre ternatural glibness of speech. He never, by any chance, did a boyish action. He always descended to breakfast bursting with information as to the state of the thermom eter, and was so superfluously polite as to bid you good- day whenever he met you, though it should chance twenty times in the course of a morning. He dabbled in ento mology, didrft approve of Shakspeare, and objected to story-books, " as he had heard of persons becoming insane from the pernicious habit of novel-reading." He spoke of the simplest things with the greatest elaboration, and would inform the landlady that " owing to the negligence of the servant, some water had been spilt in the passage, which, by the action of the weather, had been converted into ice, and that he should recommend its immediate removal, in order to prevent accidents !" He addressed grown persons over the dinner-table on the political, social, or religious questions of the day, and would en courage them to enter into discussions with him. He greatly enjoyed denning his position on every possible subject, and once favored us with his " platform," which was ultra-Garrisonian. He always read the newspapers. He was a staunch advocate of the Maine Law.* He had a little dressing-gown, and a special costume for garden ing. At table, his appetite and choice of food were guided by those of his uncle, and, probably, had that gentleman needed castor-oil, he would have demanded a similar dose. He was insufferably affable, revoltingly polite, preter-
* Apropos of which, we find it impossible to resist indulging our readers with the insertion of the following verses — whether of the young gentleman's composition we can not positively assert, though strongly inclining to that opinion. "We picked them up in MS. on the
70 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
naturally precocious. Had you inquired his sentiments as to Predestination, Original Sin, or Chinese Metaphysics, we 've no doubt he would have " gone in" with perfect confidence in his ability to explain those not particularly simple subjects. You could as soon have put the author of the life of P. T. Barnum out of countenance. He called upon the girl who waited at table — a hard-featured, small-pox-marked, Scotch damsel, hired on account of her Protestantism and ugliness — three times as much as any grown boarder. The ladies of the Establishment admired his "excellent moral principles," petted him, and once formed an audience to a lecture of his delivering. We believe the subject was On Sea-weed and the Moral Les sons inculcated by It. The male boarders, to a man, de tested him — which was very unkind, as he always treated them with the greatest condescension.
We used to sit opposite to him at meals, and were never tired of looking at and speculating about his future. We knew what a nice young man he must grow up into. We fancied the offensively virtuous life he would lead, merg ing all minor peccadilloes into one ineradicable cancer of ^spiritual self-conceit. And furthermore, when removed to a sphere worthy of his manifold perfections, we thought what an unpleasant angel he 'd make. We could imagine him stepping up to Michael and glibly expressing his gen- staircase and caligraphy being small, neat, skinny, and formal. They might have been copied from some Temperance Hymn-Book :
" I 'm a little Temperance boy,
Twelve years old 1 And I love Temperance
Better than gold ! Every little boy, like me,
The Temperance-pledge should sign, For God loves little boys
Who don't love wine ! ! 1"
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 71
eral approval of celestial arrangements, but offering a hint or so by way of improving the Constitution.
He was not the only youthful boarder in the " Serious" Establishment. Two others, a boy and girl, owed their existence to the union of a heavy gentleman (engaged in the oil-trade) with a small, weak-eyed lady, his second wife. It was whispered (and here we may remark that there was far more than the average under-current of tattle and slander afloat in the " Serious" Boarding-House) that she had brought her husband a large fortune, and that he behaved very meanly to her — the ladies asserting " she had n't a frock fit to put on." But he was eminently pious. Immensely so. And, by-the-by, it is worthy of observation that pious men generally marry prudently / and if they become widowers, scarcely ever remain such. Knowing that money is the root of all evil, they burn with Christian heroism to struggle with it; honoring matrimony as a divine institution, they can't have too much of it. The children of these parents had different but unpleasing idiosyncracies. The boy was fourteen, had straight hair, a face like a bad lemon, a querulous voice, bony legs, and large feet. He used to put his arms round his mother's neck at dinner-time — toward the conclusion of the meal — and whiningly solicit permission to over-eat himself. The girl was only remarkable for sulkiness, de testation of her father, and a habit of kicking her broth er's shins under the table. The twain sometimes endeav ored to get up a game of romps with the Prodigy, but he considered his dignity insulted by such proposals, and always kept aloof. You could not offend him more thoroughly than by treating him as a boy. He was very susceptible of such affronts, and never, thoroughly, for gave a boarder who once took him up in his arms. On another occasion, too, he was moved to such anger as
V2 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
to tell the landlady that he considered her behavior "beastly" — for which he subsequently apologized in words of three syllables.
The meals provided at the " Serious" Boarding-House were excellent in quality, plentiful in quantity, and not ill-served ; though the entire duty of attendance fell upon the angular shoulders of the Scotch virgin. For the elect are by no means indifferent to the pleasures of the palate, not unfrequently attaching over-much importance to that which might be denominated the grossest of all enjoy ments. An unregenerate scoffer would say that by vol untarily debarring themselves from many innocent pleas ures they are necessitated to fall back upon the most unspiritual ones. We have seen the brother and sister recently alluded to absolutely wallow in turkey and cran berry sauce. Generally there was a complete rampart of dishes encircling that family at dinner.
Sunday — always a dull day in Boarding-Houses — was preternaturally slow in the " Serious" one. Church-going, with intervals of feeding to repletion appeared to be the rule of conduct with the majority of its occupants. Some of the young men, however, stayed at home during the afternoon and " carried on" extensively in their chambers ; beating each other with pillows and struggling upon the
beds. When Mrs. ascended, or sent up the Scotch
virgin to remonstrate, they assumed a meek aspect and endeavored to criminate one another. When less actively disposed, they slept, coming down gaping and with gen erally foggy aspects at the sound of the supper bell. There were very few attempts at conversation, as the landlady, her mother, the malignantly-orthodox lady, and heavy gentleman disapproved of the introduction of sec ular topics on Sunday. On working-days we talked poli tics, in which the clergyman, like most of his class, took
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 73
great interest, especially when of an exciting and bellig erent character. We don't mention this invidiously. On the contrary, we liked him for it. Once we knew a cler gyman who, during the Mexican war, would get unusu ally enthusiastic about feats of individual heroism and throat-cutting — as why should n't he ? It was human.
We recollect a lady-boarder who — being comparatively unacquainted with the rigorous piety of the Establish ment — gave great offense by playing upon the piano on Sunday ; as did her husband by reading the Herald, which paper was an abomination in the eyes of the landlady. So much so, indeed, that upon its accidental appearance
on the breakfast-table one morning, Mrs. started
up with horror and astonishment depicted on her coun tenance, seized the obnoxious sheet, rushed to the stove and, in a frenzy of religious zeal, committed it to the flames. This little incident, in conjunction with others, probably accelerated the removal of that couple from the " Serious" Boarding-House, for they left soon afterwards.
Our landlady's " trials" — she so denominated all matters not in accordance with her wishes — were far more severe in conjunction with another boarder. Like the serpent of old, he entered into this Presbyterian Eden but to blight and destroy. He was a reporter to a daily news paper. His behavior, while domiciled in the " Serious" Es tablishment, is fearful to think of. He whistled godless negro melodies while going up stairs, rang the ugly ser vant-girl up at unholy hours of the night and morning, and once effected a nocturnal, burglar-like entrance at a basement window. He smoked short pip'es in bed, dropped play-bills in the parlors, asked mild-young-men-boarders out to take drinks, and — horrible to relate — seduced one of them into a Model Artist exhibition. He affected a passion for the malignantly-orthodox female, cut jokes on
4
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the cap of the landlady's mother, and invited both ladies to accompany him to Christy's. He proclaimed his adhe sion to the Mormon faith, and made jocular attempts to convert the heavy gentleman. And, finally, he devoted his energies to the perversion of the rising generation.
We don't think he had much success with the Prodigy. That immaculate youth stood poised on too high a pin nacle of conscious virtue to be knocked off by mortal aim. But with the others — the boy and the girl — he sped but too well. Discovering that they were unacquainted with the institution of pocket-money, he tempted them, by presents of small coins, to the utterance of awful words.
The bony-legged boy did, in consideration of the sum of fifty cents — he refused two shillings, with the additional bonus of a large apple, as too little — actually thrust his head into a room where three ladies sat, and utter, in a
NEW YOKK BOARDING-HOUSES. 75
small, sepulchral, but perfectly distinct voice, the* fearful anathema " G — d — n all of you /"
He did n't appear next morning. Nor did his preceptor, for that night he put a climax to his atrocities by bringing home one of the mild-young-men-boarders in — as the landlady declared — a dreadful state, in which he was sub sequently discovered on the door«mat. The tempter at once received instant and severe notice to quit. The fallen youth was confined to his room for a week, by his father, who took his dinners up to him, and — it was darkly whispered — administered paternal chastisement regularly, every night and morning, immediately after family prayer. We can depose to the boy's howling dismally at those periods, and that, when reinstated at the Boarding-House table, he looked remarkably sheepish.
CHAPTER IX.
THE THEATRICAL BOARDING-HOUSE.
the best of our belief, this Estab lishment — the de tails and domestic economy of which were unique in their way — is ex tinct, we therefore speak of it in the past tense.
Like the Cheap Boarding - House on a large scale, described in Chapter Four, it consisted of two tenements, which, in this case, formed brick-and~ mortar units in a street diverging eastward from Broad way, not far from the theater of that name. "Whether influenced by the location, a predilection on the part of the landtady for the profession, the gregarious habits of the class, or the three reasons combined, the majority of the boarders were actors.
It was conducted on what might be termed providential principles. Receiving the scriptural injunction of "take
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 77
no thought for to-morrow" in a literal sense, its mistress, a stout, unctuously-smiling widow, of Irish extraction, de voutly obeyed it. Every thing was done by shifts and expedients. " Chance governed all," as in Milton's Chaos. You enjoyed the pleasing uncertainties of alternate hunger and plenty, as in savage life, with the additional advan tages of social intercourse of a novel and entertaining character. There were no regular meal hours. A newly- caught boarder, of sanguine disposition, might, it is true, place credence in a mild superstition attaching gastro nomic importance to certain periods of the day, but this faith — touching in its very simplicity — never outlasted a week. Two rendered him a confirmed infidel as to all order whatever. .He either cfo's-accommodated himself into harmony with the mis-rule around — or left. We were young, and the place had its attractions. We were poor, also, and it was n't dear. For nearly six months we lived in that Theatrical Boarding-House.
Generally, one's earliest experience was in connection with the subject of loans. As surely as rapidly, you glided into the anomalous and unnatural position of cred itor to your landlady. She borrowed five or ten dollars of you on the day subsequent to your arrival, and hence forth you vainly struggled against destiny. In the lan guage of appeals to a charitable public, "the smallest contributions were thankfully received." Solicitations for " quarters," shillings, sixpences, beset you ; sometimes through the medium of a faded female, half-servant, half- boarder, oftener that of the landlady's daughter, a shrill and objectionable girl in pantalettes, whose hair curled the wrong way, who was horribly inquisitive, never closed doors, and appeared subject to a mysterious disease denominated "the Mumps," which necessitated the per petual bandaging of her head in dirty handkerchiefs.
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
Like Poe's Raven, she would come " tapping, tapping at one's chamber-door," with the words " Mother says " prefacing the inevi table message. We have sat full half-an-hour waiting breakfast while this was in operation elsewhere in order to raise money for the pur chase of a mutton-chop.
Payments to the butcher partook of the general irregu larity of the Establishment, wherefore he, not unfre- quently, waxed wroth, and supplied meat of dubious quality, or none at all. Entering at night by means of the area gate (for less than twenty minutes' pulling at the street-door bell was never known to procure admis sion) we have discovered injured tradesfolk sitting gloomily in back kitchens. There they would remain for hours, lying in wait for our landlady, she having unac countably vanished, while the servants plied hither and thither among the boarders, for the wherewithal to exor cise them. These girls' wages, too, were awfully in arrear. The amount of lying, dodgery, and pretense put into op eration (never however effectually) in order to screen the system — or rather want of it — must have been pro digious.
The supply of linen being scant, the advent of a new boarder was invariably marked by a foray into others' chambers, in order to furnish forth the required comple ment of bed-furniture for the stranger. Here a pillow would be surreptitiously confiscated, there a blanket, else where a coverlid. It was bitter winter weather, and loud and dire were the complaints of the victimized on the fol-
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 79
lowing morning, when "the stupidity of them girls" formed the staple excuse. Time, however, had taught Us the wisdom of the serpent. We, noting any deficiency of "bed-gear, made raids on our own account, replacing from the couches of others those articles of which ours had been deprived. Necessity must palliate, if not justify the act. Often have we lain and listened to the anath emas of some temporary neighbor on the unknown ab stractor.
Our meals — taken in a sort of white- washed school-room of limited dimensions in the rear of the premises — were mostly of a carnivorous description, from which circum stance we infer that the pie-venders of that vicinity are inexorably opposed to the credit system. Occasionally dinner was totally ignored. No bell's harmonious discord sounded the tocsin of appetite. Hungry and exasperate boarders would assemble in dismal conclave, sit until ex pectancy palled into despair, then wrathfully disappear — the sterner spirits being, sometimes, partially mollified by
homeopathic relays of steak. On such crises Mrs.
would be invisible. Our impression is that she locked herself in a subterranean cupboard or closet till the evil hour had passed.
But, as we have said, the Establishment had its plea- santer aspects. Shifty and incongruous as its arrange ments were, the very absence of all order imparted a piquant zest to existence within its walls, appealing, as it did, to the vagabond side of human nature. If one day's dinner were omitted, to-morrow's plenty eifaced all ireful recollection of it. And during intervals of cash or credit, you were never too late or too early for a meal. It was a true Liberty Hall, if ever such existed, and Rabelais' in scription over the gate of the Abbey of Theleme, " Do what thou wilt," might have been written on its portal.
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Where else, we ask, should we have been allowed to sit wrapped up in blankets and bed-clothes on deathly cold winter nights, while scribbling a comic story on the edge of the washing-stand ? Where, subsequently, to insert a small stove within the thirteen-inch space between our bed-foot and the wall, to extemporize a hole for the stove pipe with a rusty knife and hammer ; and finally, to char the bed-post to the extent and blackness which we assuredly did. The Theatrical Boar ding-House had its advantages.
You could send out for beer at any seasonable or unsea sonable hour. You could call fellow-boarders by their nick-names, cut jokes and fraternize with everybody. We like actors. And in spite of all the charges which from Le Sage's day to the present have been brought against them, the world likes them, and will continue to do so. They generally have that practical wisdom which disposes to look on the cheery side of things. At our Boarding- House they punned, laughed, talked slangy and stagy, drank ale or champagne with equal good humor, and got up the j oiliest of supplementary suppers.
Of one of these entertainments (given by the husband of a tragedienne during his temporary bachelorhood con sequent on her absence while fulfilling a professional en gagement at another city), we have a lively recollection. It was a good notion of a supper — a hare, chickens, oysters and champagne ; whist, poker, piano-forte-playing, and singing to follow. Speeches were made also, which, as the hours drew on, increased in eloquence and pathos. We remember one gentleman pledging his honor that his wife would die, if desired, for the behoof of any friend he might mention. Another was moved to shed tears copi ously during a burst of confidence on the subject of his early years. Choruses, too, were sung, some being of an abnormal, and even gymnastic character, as witness
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
81
the following. The vocalist, suiting action to words, commenced :
"One finger and thumb keep moving — Keep moving — To drive dull Care away !"
Others joining in with voice and gesture on a repetition of the lines, the exhortation increased in its demands, ^wo fingers and thumbs" being next in requisition, and so on, until finally, at the words,
" Two arms and two legs keep moving!" all present were jumping up and down in an energetically
ludicrous manner only conceivable in insane Shaking Quakers. As this occurred at something like 2 A. M., certain boarders overhead and below were unreasonable enough to remonstrate, but our landlady's company having
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sanctioned the festivities during the earlier part of the evening, such complaints were treated with merited de rision. We have but an indistinct idea at what hour the party broke up, having quitted it at 6 A. M., leaving cards predominant.
It was pre-eminently a masculine Establishment, and appeared the more so, as the few lady-boarders generally preferred taking their meals within the sanctity of their own apartments. They, however, sometimes congregated on wintry afternoons in a gloomy old parlor appertaining to the larger and duller of the houses, where we once surprised a select party of three engaged in the consump tion of cigars and hot brandy and water. One of these, the
proprietress of a rather prettyish face and a large-headed child (which latter article was periodically brought to see her), had a room immediately adjoining ours; and for some time we were in error as to the sex of the occupant, being misled by her proficiency in the art of whistling. Our undeception only occurred upon tapping at her door for the purpose of re-igniting a lamp, which we had knocked over and extinguished among the bed-clothes.
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 83
At a later period, when a slight intimacy had sprung up, she occasionally borrowed our boots on rainy evenings to walk to the theater in, receiving with great good humor any playful allusions to the (presumably) lovely limbs they were honored by encasing — and once telling us to come round to Burton's as she " played a leg-part." On our return from that place of popular entertainment, she was very anxious to learn " how she looked from the par- quette," and " whether we heard her distinctly." She had but three lines and a monosyllable to utter during the entire performance !
But, unquestionably, the lioness of the place was the tragedienne before alluded to. She was a handsome, jolly woman, with a deep, rich voice, and would ask you how you did, or make an observation about the weather in such heart-felt, cordial tones as imparted quite a glow to the recipient. She had a will of her own, too, and it wa& popularly supposed that her husband (who played walking gentleman, and was some years her junior) knew it. She was, also, a little jealous of him — not without reason.. We fancy he had an equal attachment to champagne and to his wife, and it was said the lady herself had a penchant for the former. With two anecdotes in which she figures, the present chapter may fitly conclude.
There was a hard-headed and generally obnoxious. Scotch boarder, who, to some originally disagreeable characteristics, added the one of occasional intoxication ; when he was prone to discourse about John Knox and the "Free Kirk" of his country. The actors used to " sell" him by challenging his admiration for imaginary passages in non-existent novels by Walter Scott ; and to excite his anger by pretending to mistake him for an Irishman; as also by addressing him as Mac Waggles, Mac Scratcher, Mac Grits, Mac Turn 'emup, and similar
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THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
titles. Now he, coming home one night from an adjacent bar-room, and availing himself of the opening of the street- door by the servant of our tragedienne (whether impelled by antecedent whisky-skins or his natural obtuseness, we know not), followed the girl up-stairs to her lady's apart ment ; apologizing for his presence, when questioned, by a muttered reference to his ordinary theological topic.
Mrs. , not considering this satisfactory, shrieked for
her husband, who, like his wife, was in undress, and leaping up at the summons pursued the invader to our chamber door, where overtaking him, he, with his lady's assistance, administered severe tistical chastisement. Upon our issu-
ing forth, lamp in hand, an eminently dramatic tableau was visible. The howling Caledonian, with the sanguine stream of life gushing from his nose, and his countenance further ornamented by feminine talons, lay writhing in the grasp of the infuriate actor, whose left whisker he was holding on to in a peculiarly painful manner, while above
NEW YORK BOARDING- HOUSES. 85
and around hovered a Lady Macbeth-like figure, awful in white flannel. Other boarders appearing, a separation was effected, and the Scotchman persuaded to go down stairs, where he armed himself with a carving-knife, swore revenge on every body, very nearly assassinated the land lady who repaired to him with pacific intentions, and finally went to sleep with his head in a coal-scuttle. But " with the morning calm reflection came ;" by dinner-time the three had exchanged apologies, shaken hands, and de spite the victim's discolored eyes, swollen nose, and face scarified d la gridiron, were hob-nobbing one with the other most cordially — an edifying and Christian spectacle. Our remaining anecdote is trite, but has a spice of the ridiculous which may justify its narration. A brother actor of our tragedienne's husband having borrowed a pair of nether habiliments from him for " light comedy" purposes, was, by the lady, encountered in the passage and ordered back to his apartment, there to immediately disendue himself of them, she not approving of the loan. And the voice which we had over-night heard hi Juliet's love-impassioned speech was exalted in wrath, even to let ting dwellers on the upper floors know that " Bill - shouldn't have them pants — they had been purchased with her money, and she 'd burn 'em ere his request should be granted !"
CHAPTER X.
THE BOAKDING-HOUSE WHEREIN " SPIRITUALISM" BECOMES PREDOMINANT.
HANDSOME up-town edifice within five minutes' walk of Fifth Avenue, and of such heighth that scaling its staircase (midway up which a foggy aroma of dinners always hovers) is involunta rily suggestive of Jacob's ladder. In outward appear ance it is aristocratic, in in ner arrangements unexcep tionable, its dinner-hour fashionably late. In no par ticular, therefore, would it
differ from many similar Establishments, but for the pecu liarities of its inmates, which fairly entitle it to a place in our Physiology.
The reader, if a New Yorker, has doubtless often no ticed in Broadway the tall, spare figure of an elderly gen tleman attired in a suit of black of the cut and fashion of the past century. Who has not turned to gaze on that venerable-looking person ? on the long, gray hair strag-
NEW YORK BO All DING-HOUSES. 87
gling over his shoulders and back ; on the three-cornered cocked-hat, the breeches and knee-buckles of '76? Such an aspect might have graced the council-board of William Penn or the Pilgrim Fathers. That, reader, is the Doctor, and he being the arch-priest and grand exponent of Spir itualism at the house of which we speak, it becomes necessary to pay our respects to him.
Were he to write his auto-biography (as we trust he will, some day), it would doubtless prove a deeply inter esting Yolume. Far be it from our hasty pen to anticipate such a task, or to risk the displeasure of a conscientious seeker after truth by the attempt. Yet we have heard that in his pursuit of that celestial maid, he, in common with other of her admirers, has occasionally got garroted by certain of the pestilent heresies which are wont to as sume her likeness — sometimes releasing himself with ex treme difficulty. Enough of that. Suffice it to say, that after considerable theological experience — rivaling, in deed, that of Orestes Brownson, though starting from the very point at which he has rested — the Doctor now enjoys a lucrative medical practice, believes strongly in the Maine Law, and is equally ardent in his advocacy of Spir itualism. We have been told of singular and startling phenomena as the immediate agents in producing his conversion to the latter — how the spirit of a defunct rela tive not only shook, slapped, pinched, and tweaked the Doctor nocturnally, but was accustomed to lift him from his bed and treat him to rides round the room (how he looked during the operation let our artist's pencil por tray), always finally restoring him to his resting-place, and considerately tucking him up — how, desirous of accommo dating himself to these celestial visitations, he studied music, and learned to play upon the guitar and harmon- icon — with much more of retrospective matter which we
88 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
dismiss as irrelevant-^turnkig at once to the Boarding- House, and his proselytizing therein.
Within the Establishment are many lady-boarders of Eastern origin, who, though past the age of girlhood, have retained the simplicity of heart and^trustfulness of nature proper to the morning of life. Now from Eve's time downwards the sex has exhibited a penchant for knowl edge, even when acquired at the risk of danger; and it would seem that the minds of old maids are, from the fact of so much of their nature lying, as it weye, fallow, peculiarly subject to become the recipients of such stray tares as, sown broadcast by imposition and credulity, are producing every day such plentiful crops of misery and insanity. Any way our Doctor (whom, of course, we ac quit of disingenuity) experienced great success in his ad vocacy of Spiritualism among the lady-boarders.
In the first place, Physiological classes were formed, and the Doctor commenced a series of lectures on Anatomy — which, however, came to a sudden termination in conse-
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 89
quence of the uncalled-for squeamishness of all but one of the virgin auditory. These being abandoned, the dis covery of " Mediums," formation of " Circles," and procur ing of " Manifestations," became the order of the day — or rather evening, for at such time, after the labors of the day, did the Doctor vouchsafe to act as spiritual hiero- phant. Here every thing progressed admirably. Little supernatural soirees were got up, and the ladies had the satisfaction of being astonished, frightened, and mystified in the most delightful manner. Nothing could be pleas- anter — but, unfortunately, there existed among the in mates of the establishment one or two skeptics of the sterner sex, and especially one individual whom we shall designate as the Incredulous Boarder.
He was the Doctor's moral antipodes in every thing, appearance, characteristics, and opinions. The former never had his hair cut, and shaved only his upper lip ; the latter was bald, and scrupulously-razored, with the excep tion of a moustache. The former attired himself in a style particularly calculated to attract notice ; the latter's cos tume was simple and unpretentious. The former pos sessed unlimited faith in the supernatural, the latter unbounded skepticism. Being, therefore, of such radically opposite natures, how could they fail to antagonize ?
The Doctor denounced his adversary as a rhinoceros- hided infidel, and furthermore informed him that he was possessed by Seven Devils. It might have been this bale ful influence which impelled him to devote himself to the production of utter confusion and dismay in the ranks of the faithful — to assail the Doctor's opinions on all subjects — to charge the reverend person with profaning the Sab bath by the performance of valses, polkas, and the like secular compositions — to speak of the Maine Law with derision, of Spiritualism as humbug — and finally to char-
90 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
acterize its professors as ghostly Peter Funks. These abominable opinions he would express on ah1 possible oc casions.
Great, therefore, was the exultation, when, one evening, a whisper passed round that the Incredulous One had ex perienced a softening of the heart, and petitioned to be allowed to make one in a " Circle." In the hope of his conversion it was granted, though the Doctor retired to his room in dudgeon, as mistrusting the sincerity of the neophyte. Notwithstanding which, remarkable and un exampled success followed. Tabular gyrations and knock- ings occurred almost immediately, and presently, after performing a spiritual Schottische, zig-zagging in a very startling manner into corners, and once descending heav ily on the corns of a male believer, the supernaturally- stirred mahogany penned one of the ladies in a corner, and nearly cut her in twain, against the wah1. This was natu rally regarded as a great triumph, and the Doctor de scended to share it. His presence apparently induced greater manifestations from the spirit- world. The fire- irons rattled, and groans were heard as proceeding from the heart of the chandelier. In compliance with the gen eral request, the Doctor mounted a chair for the purpose of investigation. Solemnly, and at regular intervals, the lugubrious sounds were repeated. Questions were put and responded to — by groans. It was unanimously con cluded that some unhappy spirit was present, but unable, from unexplained circumstances, to definitely communi cate his sorrows. And thus to the awe and satisfaction of the community, the proceedings of the evening termi nated.
Nor was the faith of believers shaken by the assertions of the still Incredulous Boarder, on the following morning — that he, and he alone, contrived to produce the move-
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
91
merits of the table, and that a little inquiry had reduced the groaning spirit to the simple origin of a loose plank in the flooring overhead, upon which a girl chanced to be seated in a rocking-chair, while nursing a baby. He was considered a ribald outcast from truth, one given over to unbelief, a conscious blasphemer of the mysteries of Spirit ualism ! The ladies held fast to their faith, and the skirts of the Doctor. Far be it from us to desire to dislodge them !
We have recently heard that he is organizing Spiritual Dancing-classes.
CHAPTER XI.
THE MEAN BOAKDING-HOUSE.
E AN Boarding-Houses, like mean people, are, unfor tunately, not uncommon or peculiar to any rank or locality. We have already had occasion to speak of one Establish ment in which a stratum of aristocratic pretense overlays this character istic, we now turn to an other in humbler life.
It is a clean-looking frame building, in aquiet-
ish street, some twenty minutes' walk from Chatham Square, and midway between East Broadway and the river. If the broken and puddley sidewalks of the vicin ity had been especially sown with an intention of produc ing a crop of old barrels, boxes, disabled kettles and con tused saucepans, they could not be more plentiful. There are more private dwellings than shops, one or two Dutch or Irish grocery stores, a disused pump, a few street-lamps, and some trees. Our Boarding-House is a corner one,
NEW YORK BOAKDING-HOUSES. 93
standing some little distance to the rear of the street- front. You reach its stoop by an ascent of half a dozen wooden steps.
Its landlady claims England as the land of her nativity, in defiance of the richest of brogue? and most Milesian of appellations. She is a widow, with three daughters. The eldest has a husband, the second expects to obtain one, and the third is a girl of eight. Between the two latter a species of guerilla warfare unceasingly rages, the grown-up young lady having apparently made up her mind to regard her sister's existence as a personal insult, which conviction she expresses through the medium of slaps, and stray epithets, on all possible occasions ; while the younger revenges herself by trying on her oppressor's bonnets, and indulging in fugitive performances on the piano, which generally terminate in a grand finale of screams and spankings.
The old lady, her mother (she owns to five-and-fifty, and her wig is innocent of all deception) has West Indian antecedents, and talks much of " Jamaiky," in connection with her late husband. According to her representations he was a species of marital phoenix — never known to swear, to smoke, to partake of any stronger liquor than ginger-beer, or to find fault with his meals. (She is par ticular in dwelling on this last point for the benefit of boarders.) There is extant a book of travels in Ireland, containing marginal notes in the hand-writing of the de funct, which denounce its author as "a meen man," and inform you that " he tells lice" when not eulogistic of the country. We infer that the commentator was a patriotic, but imperfectly-educated Irishman.
His relict has been one and the mistress of her Estab lishment for eight years. She frequently alludes to the " novelty" of her employment, by way of indirectly apolo-
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gizing for all deficiencies. There are plenty of them. It is, emphatically, a Mean Boarding-House.
If we knew any body with an unappeasable appetite for salt fish and sheep's liver, we would give him Mrs.
— 's address. Those dainties always predominate at her table. They formed the staple meal at least thrice a week, and underwent no end of revivification — if we may be allowed the expression in connection with cookery. A piscine odor permeated the entire Establishment — the very window-curtains smelt of it. It was a singular and beau tiful study to observe the many transformations a single dish endured. In the breakfast steak of to-day you might recognize the corned beef of yesterday's dinner, and rea sonably anticipate encountering it in to-morrow's meat- pie, and the next day's hash. We got to dating from the advent of certain portions of animal food — reckoning upon our fingers the lapse of days by them.
All meats — whether pork, veal, mutton, or beef — are, in a double sense, exceedingly rare in the Mean Boarding- House — probably being served up hi that state that the difficulties of mastication may prevent any considerable consumption ; not to hint at the desirability of punishing with indigestion and nightmare such brutal boarders whose appetites will NOT be deterred. The joints always present fine anatomical displays of bone, and great diffi culties to the carver. But joints are of seldom occurrence. Liver and salt fish predominate. And — for a treat — an occasional bullock's-heart on Sunday.
The vegetables are worthy of notice. Potatoes tasting like something between yellow soap and bad artichokes, carrots out of which all flavor has been boiled, and large, rank, greasy cabbages. (There is always a suggestion of these latter, by-the-bye, flavoring the piscine odor before alluded to.) Mrs. prides herself on her pastry. It
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 95
is of solid construction, and damp, putty-like material. "We should suppose that dripping, saleratus, and potato- starch enter largely into the ingredients. With the home-made bread — produced as a luxury — it partakes of a highly dyspeptic character. The tea is so weak that you would n't suppose it had strength to drown a fly, or dissolve sugar. The coffee tastes of horse-beans, and is invariably concocted over night (why, we know not) being re-warmed for the morning's consumption.
Mrs. dispenses these delicacies to her boarders in
person, with much indirect discourse as to the superiority of " good, plain living," over " kickshaws," and many reminiscences of her husband's culinary predilections. It invariably happens that he would have preferred the meal in progress to all others. Besides being a marital phoenix, he is a defunct Mrs. Harris, to be invoked on all possible occasions.
The economy observable in dietary arrangements, is also carried out in other matters. The scanty stair-carpet — confined to its place by a limited allowance of rods — dwindles into shabby drugget on turning the first land ing-place, and disappears altogether at the second story. Cheap calico window-curtains — on which are landscapes of gorgeous colors, but more than Chinese contempt for per spective — supply the place of sun-blinds. And the various chambers have but little other furniture than beds, wash ing-stands, and little mirrors, chairs being infrequent. Our apartment contained but half a window, an unpainted pine-partition separating it from the adjoining room, and dividing the casement equally between them. It was, too, rather a screen than partition, as it did not reach the ceiling by two feet, which afforded opportunity for inter change of small courtesies, such as brushes, matches, etc., with our neighbor. (On one occasion he smashed our
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looking-glass with an injudiciously thrown blacking-box.) Our bedstead, also, did not possess its full complement of slats or cross-pieces, and we tumbled through — twice a night on the average — until we contrived extemporaneous repairs with an old drawing-board, and fragmentary easel. The boarders at the time of our sojourn, were about twelve in number, the sexes being pretty equally repre sented. We will briefly enumerate them. A married Tipperarian, who had greatly distinguished himself in the Smith O'Brien campaign of '48, by demolishing a drum with the British arms upon it ; and was, in consequence, greatly beloved by his compatriots. A widow, with two daughters, the elder acknowledging to a husband in Cali
fornia, but refusing to recognize him in a hairy and intoxi cated individual, who, one night, attempted to force an entrance into the house, and demanded speech with " Betsy." An ex-sailor, temporarily reduced — or advanced — to the position of a policeman, addicted to interlarding
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 97
his speech with proverbs, and to going to sleep on duty, in which condition he once had his star stolen from him. His wife and children. A red-haired dry-goods clerk, who found favor in the eyes of the landlady's daughter, and propitiated the mother and married sister by presents of ribbons. A hatter, an attorney's clerk, and a japanner or dealer in ornamental furniture, complete the list. The last-mentioned individual was our neighbor, on the other side of the partition, and had a shop in the vicinity.
Combining the foregoing particulars of board and boarders, our reader's fancy will easily supply the detail of existence within the walls of the Mean Boarding- House. Our landlady had but one characteristic in addi tion to those already chronicled. She generally vanished immediately after dinner, and did not turn up till supper- time, when she always groaned a good deal, and, in re sponse to the inquiries of lady-boarders, said she " felt bet ter." The Tipperarian declared, privately, that she was in the habit of " mugging herself" with spirits ; going to bed with her clothes on, and a black-bottle, for that purpose.
Our sojourn would scarcely have been a protracted one under any circumstances, but was brought to a speedier close than we had anticipated. A few weeks' residence in any Boarding-House generally reveals to the observer a strong under-current of slander, in which more or less of the inhabitants love to dabble privately, sprinkling each other's characters as with diabolic benediction. (Had we cared to descant on the topic we might have added a con siderable addendum, especially treating of it, to each chapter.) In the Mean Establishment, this amiable weak ness flourished in great force, and presently blossomed into results. The landlady's daughter didn't like the policeman, considering his calling low ; and the California
5
98 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
widow objected to his wife, accusing her of smuggling bottles of Charles's Cordial Gin into the house, and, what was worse, not inviting other ladies to partake of them. The attorney's clerk — an every- way unpleasant individual, and the "funny man" of the house — originated floating libels to the effect that the japanner's wardrobe consisted of but one shirt, two dickeys, one pair of socks and a collar, and that he washed 'em himself, and dried them by suspension from his chamber window. The dry-goods man privately solicited attention to the hatter's appetite, and was sure that the husband of the landlady's married daughter didn't talk so much with the California widow for nothing. Finally rows took place at table, boarder squabbling with boarder and with the authorities.
The ex-sailor, provoked by the undisguised scorn of the landlady's daughter, publicly informed every body that there was a blamed sight more Boarding-Houses than parish-churches in ~New York, and that he did n't care a rotten piece of junk for the whole bilin' of 'em, subse quently offering to fight the landlady's son-in-law (which was declined). He then left with his family. The japanner followed, and his departure subsequently influenced ours.
We did not join in the general chorus of depreciation which pursued our late neighbor, and in consequence were looked upon as one disaffected to the ruling powers, and persecuted accordingly. Our being " at home" was denied to visitors, our letters were refused, or performed quaran tine in the landlady's pocket before reaching us, private intimations of " dinner's ready" were given to other boarders in advance of the bell (in order that we might arrive at a disadvantage), an especially uncomfortable chair with a caving-in seat and rickety back was assigned to us, our plate, knife and fork were violently hurled r.t us, our ewer was unfilled, our towel removed, our soap
NEW YORK BOARDING- UO USES. 99
sequestered. Finally we were talked at, over the dinner table. We left, #nd making common cause with the japanner determined on " humors of revenge."
A neatly-worded advertisement to the effect that Mrs.
was desirous of accommodating Irish and German
families with board at the rate of $1.50 per head, weekly, presently appeared .in the leading daily papers. Emigra tion was in full vigor, and plenty of applicants responded to the invitation, the average being — as we were informed by the policeman, whose beat lay in that quarter (and who took a fiendish pleasure in directing inquirers to
Mrs. \s) about ten families, daily. Some came with
bag and baggage, and were slow to admit the possibility of a hoax, attempting to effect lodgments in the passage, and claiming the proprietress as their country-woman. There .was, also, much difficulty in explaining the matter to the Germans in consequence of their general ignorance of the English language.
The landlady made her son-in-law write.ungrammatically- indignant letters to the papers denouncing the authors of the advertisement as malignant and evil-disposed ex- boarders. But the series of events were not destined to end thus quietly. The Tipperarian fell into disfavor, being suspected of intimacy with the conspirators. He was therefore not only subjected to a series of petty persecu tions similar to those which had effected our removal, but an additional one was originated for his especial annoy ance. Knowing that he went to bed early, the attorney's clerk stimulated other male boarders to the nocturnal performance of negro choruses, interspersed with howls, under his window, at the back of the house. On the second of these charivari the wrathful Celt descended in great fury and undress, made so fierce an attack on the party that he utterly routed them, pursued the landlady's
100 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
son-in-law into the street, and for the space of several blocks, finally giving him in charge of our friend the po liceman and ex-boarder, who promptly conveyed him to the station-he use. Next morning, as might be expected, the Tipperarian received notice to quit. Before doing so, however, he, learning from his wife that another musical entertainment — and one of some pretensions — was pro jected on a particular evening, resolved on an attempt at reciprocity.
With this view (after making arrangements for his wife's removal), he engaged three barrel-organs, a trombone, and five drums; laid in a supply of whisky, tobacco and sausages ; and perpetrated the most unique soiree musi- cale we ever had the pleasure of attending. The com pany were mainly Irishmen, but included one German (to play the trombone), and the japanner(who took a drum). All -arrived at 8 P. M. — much about thet time that the more genteel party assembled below — and until the notes of a harp and violin gave the signal, quiet was observed, broken by the performance of a grand overture by the entire strength of the company (with the exception of one big drum which, proving too large to be got through the doorway, had been burst in the endeavor). We despair of conveying to our readers any idea of the effect. With the exception of the German, no performer had the slightest practical knowledge of music. The barrel organs went off at different tunes, the four impromptu drummers attempted a demoniac reveille, and the German played any thing he pleased — all uniting in one common sentiment, that of endeavoring to make as much noise as possible. A pause for refreshment, in the shape of pipes and whisky, encouraged the opposition to a feeble attempt at rivalry with a guitar and flute — our drums soon silenced it. The subsequent performance of " Ben Bolt" (that melody was
NEW YORK BO AKDIN G-II -OL*SE3. 101
just then at the height of its popularity), by the combined aids of one barrel-organ, the trombone, and an extempo raneous accompaniment formed by shaking cents together in a washing-basin, was voted less effective, and the drums insisted on coming into play again. Ten minutes more produced an envoy from below, in the shape of the attor ney's clerk, who, looking very pale and excited — but got- up, with respect to costume generally, and shirt-collar in particular, in a gorgeous manner — wished to know (with
Mrs. 's compliments) " the meaning of all this." The
Tipperarian replied by explaining that " a little music" was in progress, and proffered hospitality, in the shape of
a pipe, sausages, and whisky. Rejecting these with ireful dignity, the envoy waxed wroth, and stimulated by the consciousness that the company below were listening to the colloquy, began to talk loudly and fiercely. In all probability a %ht would have ensued, but for an unlooked- for accident which very nearly induced a tragic termina tion to the absurdities of the night.
N] T R K;- BOARDING-HOUSES.
In the excitement incidental to the occasion, the oppo sition party had quitted their room for the stair-case, or crowded about the doorway, thus establishing a thorough draught of air from the open window, which wafted the light gauzy curtain to a recently-ignited lamp. It was on fire in a moment. The alarm was given, women screamed, men swore, fire-bells tolled, engines arrived and a posse of red shirts and a dense mob blockaded the streets, as the Tipperarian was lugged oif by the police — his guests es caping in the confusion.
*******
Pie was fined ten dollars next day, arid discharged from custody. We received an industriously greased and ill- spelt challenge from the attorney's clerk for our presumed participation in the concert, and disgusted him exceedingly by an expression of readiness for a pugilistic encounter — which, however, never came oif. And since then we have heard nothing of the Mean Boarding-House, or of its occupants. Nor are we particularly desirous of informa tion.
CHAPTER XII.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE THERE ARE MARRIAGEABLE DAUGHTERS.
HIS Establish ment has some few character istics akin to those detailed in connection with the aris tocratic one described in Chapter Five, yet as it is every way n broader and stronger type of a very numerous class, we at once recognize its claimn to a place in our Physiology.
It is situate in a street north of Canal (no matter for its name)— one of those which intersect Broadway, the blocks adjacent to which are more stylishly built thar: those farther on, where they degenerate into very com mon-place and mean-looking tenements. Our present Boarding-House stands on debatable ground, between the junction of these extremes, and is a plain brick building,
104 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
which might be rendered brighter and cleaner-looking by an application of the paint-brush. Mrs. has occu pied it for twenty years — since the death of her second husband.
She is a large woman, with a full face, a hooky nose, and speculative eye, like a Jewish version of Mrs. Trol- lope's Widow Barnaby. Her nose, indeed, is in such undesir able propinquity to her chin as to set one involuntarily cogitating whether her defunct husbands ever kissed her, and if so, how they managed it. She generally ap pears in a hideous, copperas-color ed gown, without any thing white about her neck, and a black wig.
In conversation she is chatty and obsequious — especially if you are an eligible young man in search of board. Single lodgers preponderate in her Establishment, of which her daughters constitute the main feature and attraction.
These young ladies are three in number, of the respect ive ages of thirty, twenty-five, and sixteen, the elder being the result of the first marriage. All three appear excessively affable, amiable and approachable, and it -is your own fault if they do not speedily become affectionate also. As they have not the finesse and dashing assump tion of patrician breeding characterizing the ladies of the Aristocratic Boarding-House Where you Don't get enough to Eat, they make bolder advances, and play a coarser game generally. Like them, however, each has her peculiar role, and though quite a penny,rdfe in com parison with those of the brilliant misses described in Chapter Five, contrives to carry it out with that vigor of which only a woman in quest of a husband is capable.
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 105
Admitted into what Mrs. terms their " pleasant
social circle," you are, in the phrase of Inspector Bucket of Bleak House, " reckoned up" in a twinkling, and, ac cording to your idiosyncracy, made over as a lawful waif and stray to one of the three young ladies. They may be thus discriminated. No. 1. Poetic and strong-minded, the last quality subject to modification according to the humor of the destined victim. No. 2. Religious. No. 3. Gushing and exuberant. One would suppose that each of them had studied Phrenology at our friends Fowler and Well?, and there formed different estimates of the thick ness of the masculine skull over various organs ; No. 1 de termining on reaching the brain through Firmness and Ideality, No. 2 attacking generation, and No. 3 Amative- ness.
Each, then, and in dubious cases, all together, unmask all their batteries of fascination to reduce the Malakoff of your bachelor heart to capitulation. No. 1 listens with grave attention to your remarks, and is surprisingly of your opinion on politics, literature, and fashion — though for the latter she cares but little, despising all "frivoli ties." She supports you in argument, even to the extent of hinting pretty broadly to your opponents that they are ill-bred, and know nothing of what they're talking about. She thinks women ought to have the privilege of voting, and " knows somebody" (with a corner-of-the-eye glance at you) "who she'd send to Congress — if she could, but won't tell who for the world." She believes strongly in Alexander Smith's Life Drome ^ and likes to get you to read Byron aloud — but, of course, is entirely un acquainted with Don Juan, though, singularly enough, the volume (her property) always opens at that naughty poem. And when, on one occasion, your copy of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass disappeared for three whole
5*
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THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
days, she it was who brought it to you, having discovered it behind the sofa, where it had unaccountably slipped.
If you are a mildly-developed young man with religious proclivities, beware of No. 2. She teaches at Sunday- school, and belongs to a society which instigates lady- brigands to wait upon down-town merchants, editors, and business men generally, in their offices, there to solicit subscriptions for an impracticable charity. She is a church member, and will denounce the Schottische or German on the smallest provocation. It is rumored that she carries in her bosom the miniature daguerreotype of a gentleman studying for the ministry, together with a small theological pamphlet bearing the title of " Milk for Babes." All burlesque phrases applied to aught that may be supposed serious — such as the over-quoted drollery of " Harp of a Thousand Strings" — shock her inexpressibly. And an artist-boarder once incurred her lasting displeas ure, when requested to sketch Moses in the bulrushes for her album, by depicting a terrified Jew peddler between two rushing animals of the bovine species.
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
107
No. 3 is at once the belle and boast of the Establish ment, being both prettier and younger, and therefore more attractive, than her sisters. She is an arch coquette, and, like most coquettes, sometimes ventures very far in flirtation, and is most accessible to the more daring of her admirers. She prefers a game of romps or blind man's buff to books or conversation, and, in the latter sport, it. is delightful to see her dart into corners to avoid your outstretched arms, uttering the most musical of little shrieks all the time until caught — when she vows it's " not fair," and that she will retaliate. And be sure, if her endeavors be successful, that she will pull your whis kers and feel your moustache in order to identify you.
Some characteristics the ladies possess in common. They are equally partial to moonlight walks on summer evenings, to sitting at the open windows Before the lamp is lit, and to lingering on the doorstep — all in company with the gentlemen, who are kindly permitted to smoke
on these occasions. Sometimes No. 3 condescends to ignite a cigar for some favored boarder, and even to ap ply her own rosy lips to the same, returning it with much
108 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
coughing and the assertion that she "quite likes it." Upon which, if you remark that it 's like getting a kiss by deputy, she slaps you, laughs, and runs away, but unwill ing to risk hurting your feelings by the apprehension of her displeasure, comes back again almost immediately. We have known her to be kissed in the passage, and to .take it very quietly. But such indulgences, as you will probably find, almost invariably precipitate a matrimonial engagement, which will be broken in a month by the discovery that others have enjoyed, are enjoying, or may enjoy, the same privileges. No. 3 has jilted more swains than you can count upon your ten fingers, and that too entirely in deference to mamma and the almighty dollar.
A thorough-going Old Soldier is Mrs. ! She lets
no opportunity of praising "her dear girls" escape her. She wonders how any one can be insensible to their charms of mind and person. They are so good, so amia ble, so dutiful, so industrious, that she don't know how she shall ever make up her mind to part with them. He who wins either will indeed gain a treasure, and must himself be a paragon — the model and quintessence of every manly virtue ere he obtains her consent. Notwith standing which, we once overheard her tell No. 1 that she
was " real sick of her," and wished to that " some
Fool of a Man" would take her off her hands. It made a great impression upon us at the time.
If you are supposed to entertain a tendresse toward No. 1, you learn at the tea-table that " that delicious cake" is of her making ; an admirer of No. 2 is privately informed that she clothes half the poor children in the ward ; while No. 3 cuts out her own dresses, and is n't " such a mad cap as she seems," but will sober down into a " most ex cellent, affectionate, warm-hearted girl." All of which you may believe or not ; but if you incline to the bright
NEW YORK BOARDING- HOUSES. 109
side of the picture, we -should n't advise you to darken it by looking very closely into the landlady's face. For it is ominously suggestive of what " the girls" may look like in advanced life. We have known a budcling offer for No. 3 blighted by this simple circumstance.
Not content with the matrimonial opportunities afforded to them by their mother's Establishment — which may be looked upon- as a hymeneal man-trap — the young ladies occasionally try elsewhere for victims — even at the risk of meeting victimizers. There are stories afloat among the more knowing boarders, of "the girls" having answered matrimonial advertisements, and we can depose to the fact that when the Phyfe correspondence got into the papers Nos. 2 and 3 were singularly agitated. All three will admit that they have been to Madame Morrow1 s to have their fortunes told — if not to other " Witches of New York," also. But then ten times -the wit and humor of our friend "Doesticks" would hardly suffice to keep " young ladies" away from such places.
Whether they act in concert on a common understand ing, or carry on the war, individually, each on her own hook, we never were able to ascertain. Certainly they appear to live in remarkable unanimity, and if squabbles occur, the Napoleonic axiom of washing dirty linen at home is strictly observed. Even on rather provoking oc casions — such as the discovery of one sister in the cham ber of a boarder* presumably devoted to the intruding party — no loss of temper has resulted. They twine arms round one another's waists in the sweetest sisterly fashion, talk awhile with you, and presently skip away, leaving you puzzled, enchanted, or amused, according to your temperament.
We have little to say of the diet of this Establishment, or of individual boarders : the former is but indifferent,
110 NEW YORK BOARDING- HOUSES.
the latter (as has already been observed) consisting, gen erally, of young men — who do not stop long. Perhaps the young ladies rather over-do the Art of Fascination ; perhaps the prospect of such a mother-in-law terrifies the gentlemen. Any way, Nos. 1, 2, and 3, continue unmar ried. We should n't wonder if the younger sister finally effected it, and take this opportunity to advise her future husband to immediately emigrate with his bride to Cali fornia, to change his name, and repudiate all connection with his wife's relatives. Following this counsel he may stand a chance of happiness.
CHAPTER XIII.
THE CHEAP HOTEL BOAKDING-HOUSE.
one of those business-like thoroughfares which are peculiarly characteristic of the lower part of New York — whose dusky red stores have iron shutters, and the names of their occupants painted up in black letters upon a white ground- — whose sidewalks are perpet ually blockaded by bales, barrels, and boxes — where the pedestrian's progress is rendered perilous by the transit, on skids, of un wieldy merchandise from
cart to store, or vice versa— where, throughout the week, wholesale traffic reigns, and which, on Sundays, has a very funereal and dead-wall aspect— is a huge, seven-story, corner building, bearing its designation in proportionate letters. It is at once a cheap Hotel and Boarding-House. A showy bar-room, furnished with the usual amount of plate-glass, many-colored liquors, cigar-boxes, etc., occu-
112 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
pies the front of the lower story. Here, when there are but few customers, a portly German, of some eighteen stone weight, may be seen reclining in an arm-chair, half asleep, yet, with the instinctive vigilance of a landlord, keeping one eye open. He is wide awake enough of even ings, and of all evenings in the week, that of Saturday. Drop in then, you will find him the center of a busy scene, and ready to take drinks, successively, with every individual member of a motley and miscellaneous crowd there assem bled. Boarders pay up, for the preceding week, at this period, and much mirth, but more noise, is in progress everywhere. Men clustering in front of the bar; men sit ting, spitting, drinking and smoking round the stove (if in winter), men bending over the bagatelle-table at one end of the room, men cursing, quarreling, or striking the table at cards, and men engaged in the quieter games of checkers or dominoes. A fog of tobacco-smoke, and a perfect Babel of clamor prevails, the language used being as various as the speakers, but, as may be guessed, the " rich Irish brogue" which General Scott found so charm ing while on his presidential canvass, is predominant.
Most of the boarders — the house accommodates upward of eighty on the average (sometimes more) — are laboring men, having employment in adjacent wholesale stores, about wharfs, etc. It is, Jby express rule, a bachelor Es tablishment. A stair-case, rather dirtier than the middle of a street on a rainy day, gives access to the upper por tion of the house, which is divided into innumerable rooms, of different degrees of smallness, some containing three beds, the majority only one. They are plainly furnished, and indifferently supplied with water, but one ewer being allowed to each chamber. The servants, un like their master and mistress, are Irish, but have dwelt so long in the establishment as to have become compara-
NEW YORK BOARDING- HOUSES.
113
tively Germanized, and one of them — a character in her way — can talk Deutsche like any native-born Teuton. They are mostly ugly girls, of squat figure, very good- humored, slatternly, and industrious.
When the dinner-bell rings — at noon precisely — there 's a rush of men from the bar-room to a large apartment im mediately over it — (occasionally used for public meetings, clubs, etc.) Every body helps himself at table, and, consid ering the limited space afforded for elbow-movement, the meal is disposed of in a miraculously short space — about ten minutes sufficing to " get through" with it. Quantity rather than quality is looked for at the hands of the caterers, and they do their best to satisfy this expectation. Colos sal joints of coarse meats already cut into slices, pyramids of potatoes, swamps of squash, and acres of collapsed cab bages — all having received extreme unction in liquid grease — disappear as rapidly as if each boarder had made a private arrangement with Xature for a perfectly unlim ited supply of gastric juice. A company of ostriches, dining on flat-irons, a la maitre d'hotel, horse-shoes, au
114 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
yratin, and ten-penny nails confiture, could not be less apprehensive of indigestion. The acknowledged mode of proceeding appears to be seizing upon the dish placed before you, and " going into" it without wasting time by looking for other condiments than those at hand. Veal preponderates over other meats — why, we don't know. Sundays are celebrated by sumptuous banquets of strong ly-scented ham and oyster-soups — which last are provoca tive of much emulation. For the bivalves, in addition to being of dwarfish and withered aspect, are so few in number that you might fancy them swimming round the tureen in disconsolate search for one another, and happy to be brought into companionship by the first dip of the successful boarder's spoon. On Sundays, too, a little more leisure is vouchsafed to the meal — it is not disposed of under fifteen minutes. But if you come in later, only a chaos of fragments, bones, and cold vegetables, awaits you.
The landlady, her daughter, and the servants, wait at table. The first is a spare little woman, very active and alive to the main chance — so much so, indeed, that we have heard it asserted by one of her boarders, that she " would skin a flea for the hide and tallow." But this we incline to regard as a mere poetic figure of speech, as the few fleas in her establishment, so far from being flayed, are generously allowed to puncture the skins of the boarders. One thing is unanimously admitted, that Mrs.
•• is always very kind when a boarder is sick. On the
whole she is popular, and deservedly so. The lodgers are rough, careless, hard-working men, but generally good-humored and kindly, and, like most persons in humble life, always willing to assist one another when oc casion calls for it.
Mrs. 's daughter is a young lady of eighteen, pos-
NEW YORK BOARDING- HOUSES. 115
sessing fashionable aspirations, and much admired by the good-looking young men boarders. She appears in great splendor at the yearly balls — for. balls are got up at our Cheap Hotel Boarding-House — the boarders subscribing for a band, inviting their lady-friends and relations, doing every thing complete and proper, and keeping it up, too, just for all the world as though they lived in the Fifth Avenue, and owned — not worked in — down-town stores. And we don't know but that they enjoy themselves quite as much as richer folks — perhaps more, as such entertain ments are of less frequent occurrence with them, and therefore more keenly' appreciated. Any way we are sure that the big room over the bar presents a plea. santer appearance when occupied by some two hundred couples, gayly gyrating in the Schottische or Polka, than when thronged by a mob of heated, brawling, foul- mouthed, rowdy politicians. "YVe have seen it under both aspects, and ought to know. (Our Cheap Hotel Boarding- House is quite the "Headquarters" of the down-town Democracy during popular Elections. We should n't advise any body to try and vote any ticket but that favored by the unterrified, in the immediate vicinity.)
For our portly landlord, he is a prosperous man, and apparently gets rich and stout in proportion as he grows older — wherefore we see no reason why he should n't rival the wealth of Astor and the bulk of Falstaff. We believe him to be a good fellow — as an act of Samaritan- ship, performed toward a sick carpenter, may testify. He kept the man at his own cost rather than send him to a hospital, and subsequently advanced the money to bury him. Yet a parting word of censure. Perhaps some of his boarders might hold their hard-earned dol lars more closely but for the existence of his bar, and its facilities for drinking and card-playing. We have
116
NEW YOKK BOARDING-HOUSES.
heard of cases in which the latter has only been aban doned in the bar-room to be recommenced in the apart ment of one of the gamblers, there to be continued until the rosy smile of a new-born day lit up the opposite house tops, and reproached the haggard-faced victims for their desecration of the peaceful night. And though our Cheap Hotel Boarding-House be conducted as decently as is possible, we can yet fancy a better home for working-men than we have just described.
CHAPTER XIV.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE THE LANDLADY DRINKS.
E once had three weeks' experience of an Establishment which can only be rightly discriminated by the above title.
It happened in consequence of a change of 'dynasty in our, then, Boarding- House. We were made over, in com pany with a house-full of fellow-victims, to a new landlady; the former — a handsome Kentuckian — relinquishing the busi ness for private life. The tenement was a spacious, old- fashioned one, in a street south of Canal, running west ward from Broadway. It had been admirably ruled under the former proprietorship. How we fared with the new, we shall proceed to relate.
Mrs. was a woman of fifty, with a flushed coun tenance, a nose like a bulbous strawberry which had been left out in the rain so long that the color had got partially
118 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
washed out of it ; and a rheumatic husband, of feeble in tellect and demeanor. His occupations seemed confined to befogging himself with yesterday's newspapers, open ing the street-door upon unnecessary occasions, getting in the way of the servants when they laid the dinner, and justifying the appearance of that meal when served be fore or behind the proper hour, by the production of a large silver chronometer, the veracity of which it was im piety to question. His lady's peculiarities, however, can not be dismissed so easily.
,The lessee of a Boarding-House succeeding a popular predecessor is likely to be very closely scrutinized by her lodgers. They are apt to be suspicious of deteriorations in diet and other alterations for the worse ; and, if any peg to hang complaints upon be discoverable, the new landlady will soon find abundant illustration of the truth of the copy-book proverb, that " Comparisons are Odious." In the present instance, the boarders had good reason for grumbling.
Instead of the palatable soup heretofore initiative of din ner, a liquid abomination apparently derived from boiling dish-clouts in equal proportions of dripping and water, and subsequently flavoring with cayenne pepper and salt, was substituted. In place of goodly joints of boiled, and baked (roast is unknown in ALL Boarding-Houses), we en tered upon an interminable prospect of over-cooked pork — that Monsieur Tonson of Boarding-House tables. Cof fee became cloudier, tea of a more delicately resinous hue, sugar grittier, milk more calcareous. Fish of evil odor appeared. Hashes and stews began to preponderate over substantial dishes. Every thing culinary was subject to the dismalest deterioration. Added to which our landlady's behavior, at table, began to be very extraordi nary.
NEW YOBK BOARDING-HOUSES. 119
She came to dinner with a very red face, and a curiously hazy appearance about the eyes, accompanied by a sort of spasmodic wink. Her conduct while presiding was singular and disconcerting. She assisted the boarders to food in an arbitrary and inconsistent manner, heaping some plates to an extent sufficient to satisfy the appetite of a hungry giant, while others received no more than could have been easily disposed of by a full-grown canary. When their return hinted dissatisfaction at these proceedings, she reversed her blunder, indulging at the same time in a confused and hiccupy monologue about "people not knowing what they wanted." Her carving was odd, and productive of strangely-shaped wedges of meat. She used the big knife and fork in a very startling manner. We have seen her eat her own dinner, with these utensils, subsequently wip ing them on her sleeve.
Furthermore, she occasionally evinced a preternatural liveliness, and made wild dashes at conversation, address ing remarks about the weather to boarders at the remote end of the table, or violently requesting their approbation of the dinner. Frequently, too, she became impressed with the singular notion that certain individuals were fond of particular dishes, and, especially, that her husband liked beans. There was a peculiarly disagreeable kind of them (which tasted like something between bees-wax and bitter aloes, and always got harder by boiling) prevalent
at meals, and in spite of Mr. 's feeble disclaimations,
his lady would favor him with immense quantities, heap ing them on his plate with her own fair hand, also sending the servants, with dishes full of the obnoxious vegetables, to him. Once we saw four of these in front of the un happy gentleman.
During these rather eccentric proceedings on the part of our landlady, a corpulent, puffy-faced boarder, who in-
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variably sat on her left hand, gradually emerged into no tice as pre-eminently distinguished by her favor. They laughed and talked together a good deal, and at length proceeded to what might be termed ornithological en dearments, such as chirping, and calling one another "'Dickey" and even reciprocating chuckings under the chin. This boarder had made his appearance in the house in company with his fair friend and her husband, and was, we presume, an old acquaintance. Whispers circulated that he owned a small groggery, and took the rent out in spirits, which he and the landlady drank together. We incline to credence in that statement.
Of course, these peculiarities of conduct attracted consid erable attention on the part of the boarders. Many were amused, some scandalized, and a few disgusted. Our land lady's eccentricities took other out-o'-the- way forms, besides those enumerated. There was a certain Frenchman, who, having only been fifteen years in this country, of course, did n't understand the language, and to him. exclusively,
Mrs. once chose to address her conversation for
three successive days, over the dinner-table. She called him Moo-soo, talked horribly dislocated English, smiled, and winked, and was, in a wTord, so distressingly attentive that the poor foreigner presently hit upon the idea that he was being ridiculed, confined himself to his room, had his meals brought up to him, dwTelt in an atmosphere of cigarettes and unmade beds (he used to shriek at the servant if she opened the window) till his week was up, and then left. Which incident brings us to his successor, who subsequently became a prominent character in the Establishment.
Occupying the adjoining apartment, we were a little surprised on the morning after his arrival by his manner of dressing ; which, apparently, consisted in putting on a
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pair of creaking boots, walking about in them for half an hour, and then going through various gymnastic perform ances over chairs, accompanied by lively imitations of the cries of an entire menagerie. Subsequently, when we be came acquainted with him, he explained these proceedings as being resorted to for the healthful development of lungs and limbs, and told us his history. He was a down- east Yankee, had traveled over three fourths of the globe, and tried an infinite variety of avocations, including prac tice of the law, driving an omnibus, peddling stoves, edit ing a newspaper, selling patent medicines, officiating as clerk in a dry-goods store, as Mormon preacher, and Daguerreian artist, with much more than we can remem ber or chronicle. He had just then returned from Cali fornia, with some money, arid the resolve to get up a big panorama of the whole of the United States, on the scale of one foot to every mile. This intention he prepared to "put through" by papering up the lower window of the attic (it had a north light), purchasing an immense roll
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of canvas, several white-wash brushes, and bucket-fulls of paint, and a barrel of turpentine. Also he cultivated the acquaintance of artists, one of whom ornamented the whole side of the room with a ghastly cartoon person ating Cholera as a gigantic, demonized skeleton, flying at the spectator with extended- arms, which so appalled the servants (it was during the prevalence of the pestilence in 1849) that complaint was carried to the landlady. She had the room white-washed, but with indifferent effect, for the plaster being laid on but sparingly, the figure still loomed up, awfully, beneath it.
Our neighbor, in pursuance of his panorama project, found it necessary to decorate his room with all sorts of prints from newspapers, books, magazines, etc., in the short space of a week converting the sides of the apart ment into an extemporaneous picture-gallery. Moreover he took to fancying animals, and brought home a couple of monkeys and a bull-terrier. These, however, he did not succeed in domesticating. After a combined attack upon a stout Irish chambermaid, in which one of the monkeys sprang upon her shoulders, while the terrier seized her by the ancle — from which he was with difficulty detached — our friend gave up his pets, and, subsequently, the dog bit one of his companions' heads off.
These proceedings, and a habit of sliding down stairs on the hand-rail, brought our neighbor into antagonism with the landlady. He received notice to quit. Consid ering himself an aggrieved person, his last week's sojourn
was especially devoted to the development of Mrs. 's
peculiar weakness. He produced bottles of champagne at dinner, and induced her and the puffy-faced boarder to partake of more than was good for them — a highly un necessary proceeding. He strove to draw them out in conversation, addressing them in lengthy and flowery
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speeches ; frequently — when they were very far gone— of a fearfully incongruous and nonsensical description.
As thus: he would ask Mrs. , in a perfectly grave
manner, whether she was aware that All the World was Sad and Dreary everywhere he Roamed, and that O! Darkies, how His Heart grew Weary, now that Forty- Xine Right-Angled Triangles had combined with Phos phate of Pickled Salmon to derange the Equilibrium of the Tropic of Capricorn ! at which she would smile and look edified. The effect on the other boarders may be imagined.
Kor that only. He was suspected of much more. Of
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instigating colored females of disreputable appearance to call for the puify-faced boarder during his absence, and instructing them to leave insultingly familiar messages about wanting him to come round to Pete's on the Points " as there was gwine to be a hop." Of getting a heavy box containing several bricks and a dead cat forwarded, from Boston, to the landlady, per express, carriage un paid. And, also, of oifering, per letter, in Mrs. 's
name, ft> adopt advertised babies, requesting their owners to bring them to her residence (at dinner time) for the purpose of inspection. "We have seen three women sitting together in the front parlor, each with a baby and an epistle purporting to be from our landlady — describing herself as " a childless widow." But, perhaps, a still more unjustifiable trick celebrated this unscrupulous boarder's departure.
Most readers are aware that all vendors of patent medicines, and such articles as appeal to the infirmities of mankind are eager for testimonials of cure — especially when authorized to publish them. This fact our expelled neighbor availed himself of. lie wrote — again in Mrs. 's name — to upward of a score of well-known nos trum-mongers, graciously intimating that they might make what use they pleased with the communications. Next week's Sunday papers contained accounts how our land lady had been afflicted Avith every conceivable malady that flesh is heir to, even from her earliest years to the time that
she obtained convalescence from 's pills, balsam, bitters,
trusses, etc., etc. — as the case might be. There were even testimonials in regard to an admirably serviceable wooden leg, and culogiums of a Broadway perruquier in grateful acknowledgment of his unguent having clothed " a totally denuded scalp" with flowing ringlets. Our landlady's fury that morning was fearful to look upon.
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She took to drinking worse than before, and became morbidly suspicious of every body. This, incidentally, in duced our departure. We, being at dinner one day, hap pened to whisper to a fellow-boarder something provocative
of a smile, when Mrs. fancied we were blaspheming
the victuals, waylaid us in the passage, and requested us to find another Boarding-House. We did so. There were very few boarders remaining at the time of our de parture, and we believe the Establishment resulted in a financial smash shortly afterward.
CHAPTER' XV.
OP THE BOAKDING-HOUSE WHOSE LAJST3LADY LIKES TO BE ILL-USED.
IIIS is a smallish, four-storied edifice in a wide street, des tined ere long to form a thoroughfare only second in business importance to Broadway — we don't care to particularize it more closely. Like its neighbors, it has a plain front of brown cement, and displays modest green blinds at each of its eight windows. A small oval brass plate on the door bears the simple inscription " Mrs. — ." She is the landlady.
A small woman with lightish hair and not too much of it, its abnormal color being by no means improved by so indiscriminate an application of dye that the central part of her scalp is palpably purple. An Englishwoman by birth, a widow by condition. Mother, also, of a sturdy, . self-willed boy, who gives lively promise of developing into that agreeable style of New York youth prone to loaf round corner groceries nocturnally, there to indulge in the delights of bad cigars and blasphemy.
Mrs. has kept a Boarding-House for upward of
twelve or fifteen years, yet makes comparatively successful
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attempts at juvenility. She is such a little woman you would, inevitably, under-reckon her age. Were ypu un- gallant enough to ask it, she would simper a good deal and tell you to guess. Probably she is midway between thirty and forty.
Her Establishment is not a large one, and pretty well * dieted, its faults lying chiefly on the side of uncleanliness. The little widow bestows so much time on her own per sonal adornment, that she has n't any to devote to the nicer details of house-keeping. But we have already de scribed a Dirty Boarding-House par excellence and shall say no more on that head. The present Establishment de mands our attention in consequence of the peculiar rela tions which, ii^ our time, existed between the landlady and certain of her boarders — especially one. He was a Pet Boarder. We have incidentally alluded to this ob noxious species before. It was here that we first learned the extent of the power sometimes exercised by them.
He — the Pet — was a heavy-looking man of fifty, with a countenance resembling an ugly rhinoceros, black hair, square face, and sullen physiognomy. The boarders said he'd been an overseer — or, as they termed it, slave-driver — down South, and there were whispers that he got his living in New York at the gaming table. This might, or might not, have been true, but he certainly appeared to have no ostensible avocation, and came home at all sorts of unexpected hours of the day and night. Ordinarily, when in presence of other boarders, he manifested great taciturnity — being well aware that they hated him — but would relax toward new arrivals, who, however, always went over to the opposition in a week or two — as soon as they found out that he was a Pet Boarder.
How it came to pass we never, thoroughly, understood. Certainly not in consequence of his gallantry, prepossess-
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ing appearance, or amiability of disposition. He was ill- bred, ill-mannered, and ill-tempered. He never vouchsafed (at least before others) any courtesy — not to say indi cation of tenderness — toward the landlady. On the con trary, he was generally rude, frequently sulky, sometimes • brutal, and often made her cry. And this, we think, gives us the key to unlock the mystery.
There is a species of spaniel-like women who are never so happy as when ill-used. "VVe only state the fact, with out endeavoring to explain it. Perhaps they see in the petty despot of every-day life what they themselves would be, had they courage — what they are to still weaker per sons. Apparently extracting a diseased happiness from the consciousness of their own abasement, they seem will ing to accept, with slavish gratitude, some churlishly- granted favor as a quittance in full for a month's brutality. Of this order was our little landlady. Other particulars evidenced it as well as her peculiar position toward the Pet Boarder.
To stand high in her good graces it was necessary either to get deeply in her debt, or to treat her, on all occasions, with uniform discourtesy and insult. Pay up regularly, you were but an ordinary, unpleasantly-inde pendent boarder ; get in debt, or lead your landlady a dog's life — so to speak — sometimes throwing her a crumb of compliment, and you became, in a manner, privileged. She depreciated you in private, to be sure, and told every body that you owed her money, but she had a secret lik ing for you, for having afforded her that pleasure.
Several eminently gentlemanly boarders, by adopting this principle of action, obtained uniformly more of atten tion and comfort than ourself, and other punctually-paying blockheads. Some had been her debtors for a couple of years or more. She was accustomed to relate their pri-
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yate histories, telling how, when prosperous, they had deserted her's for more stylish Boarding-Houses — " her's was n't good enough for 'em. then, but they were always glad to come back to where they had credit." For a long time it was supposed that one of these — a good-looking young fellow — possessed a place in her affections, as his evenings were generally spent in her company and the front basement, but this was before the advent of the Pet proper. We have also a lively recollection of our land lady's emotion on parting with another amiable defaulter, on the occasion of his going West. He kissed her, and promised to remit his outstanding account in weekly in stallments—which, however, abruptly ceased after the in itial payment. She, in consequence, took to writing long and diffuse letters — which were passed round and read by the boarders before transmission — to his employers, wherein she requested them to " champion the widow and fatherless," and to " stop it out of his wages." Both of these boarders were favorites in their degree, as were two others who merit particular description. We believe they paid up punctually, yet succeeded in ill-treating little
to that extent necessary to attain her affection.
One, a small, bushy-whiskered Londoner, partial to billiards, and a, fast town-life generally, even maintained a sort of rivalry with the Pet. His low, quaint humor, and great powers of irritation, sometimes enabled him to prove a perfect little fiend to the landlady. He abbrevi ated her name in an insulting manner, abused her cook- cry, spoke of her defunct husband— of whom a picture hung in the dining-room — as " that fellow," " that muff," etc., and bribed her son to watch, defy, and slander his mother. This course of conduct naturally endeared him
to Mrs. . He was invited to visit her in the front
basement, which courtesy he would scornfully reject, pre-
6*
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ferring unsolicited descents ichen he knew the Pet icas there, and bis own presence undesirable. Him he would " chaff" in a cool, malignant manner, for hours, attributing the meanest motives to his desire for the landlady's favor, and goading him, by accusations of parsimony, into send ing out for oysters and beer, which, when they arrived,
he wouldn't partake of. Mrs. used to fret and
fidget on these occasions, and sometimes go out into the passage to cry, but the Londoner always sat his opponent out, if he had to remain till one in the morning.
Speaking of these delicate little attentions, we are re minded of certain traditions relative to a boarder preced ing our advent. His mode of coercing (and, consequently,
winning the regard of) Mrs. , would appear to have
been persistent reproach and crimination of her character. He unceasingly taunted her about her " paramours," and called her " an inefficient man-trap." Once he is said to have greatly distinguished himself by the unprovoked mixing-up, mashing, and general demolition of her gastro nomic preparations for New Year's day. We are credibly informed that she cooked a special supper, that night, for him, in consequence.
But to return to our cotemporaries. The other boarder
spoken of as holding a place in Mrs. 's estimation,
was also an Englishman, though not a cockney. (The parent country happened to be extensively represented in
Mrs. 's establishment.) He was the greatest " swell"
we have ever encountered. He had his hair curled and scented, sported elaborately-embossed shirt-fronts, frills and ruffles, wore studs, pins, brooches, rings, and knick- knacks innumerable, and generally appeared with a rivulet of watch-chain gushing from a horticulturally-embellished vest. In pronunciation he eschewed the letter R, instat ing W in its place, which, in conjunction with a hoarse
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voice, and a loud, gasping laugh, had a singular effect. lie used to swear at the landlady. You 'd find her in
tears in the parlor, and be informed how " had
abused her." Be but rash enough to sympathize, she 'd threaten him with your championship, and get you into a row. This occurred once, in connection with an artist- friend of ours. He, by-the-by, painted a portrait of the landlady (in payment for outstanding board) and could never make it handsome enough to please her. The sit tings were great occasions. Little Mrs. would attire
herself, like Yiliken's Dinah, " in gorgeous array" (which was particularly necessary, only her face being required), and thus sit in state, languishing, smirking, smiling, and generally conducting herself as a sick kitten under the in fluence of laughing gas might be supposed to do — in the front parlor, for whole summer mornings, the artist and a looker-on or two alternately complimenting her, and cut ting jokes at her expense. She subsequently drove the
former from the house by persistent requests that he would " touch up" the portrait a little, and make it look lovelier.
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We suppose no little woman in the world ever had a larger share of approbativeness. She expected all the male boarders to admire her, and disliked them if they didn't. She was full of little jealousies and petulances, spitefully resentful of attentions shown to lady-boarders, and addicted to slandering them in a weak manner. She was intolerant of jocular conversation at table, and would snappishly request her boarders " not to talk nonsense." She had a more than feminine curiosity about every thing and every body. "We shall not easily forget her indigna tion on one of the lady-boarder's leaving and getting mar ried without previously informing her. She assumed a weak-tea sort of religion, which did n't prevent her from being inordinately sly, on her own account, and generally uncharitable in her judgment of others. And this, too, in spite of her own equivocal position with regard to the Pet Boarder — who was a married man.
After some month's residence on his own part, he brought his wife to the house. She, a tall, pale, cold-fillet- of-veal-looking woman (we snatch the simile from Dickens, for nothing else will convey our exact meaning), never looked happy, and was very much pitied by other board ers. Our landlady used to simper in an inane, compas sionate manner about her, and call her poor Mrs. .
She thought her an invalid, and likely to die soon. Only on one occasion do we remember the Pet Boarder's wife smiling, and how this came about shall be narrated.
Her husband, as has been stated, was detested by other boarders. Readers who have had practical experience of the quiet, omnipresent despotism established by Pet Boarders — how they influence every thing, from the choice of a dinner to the landlady's courtesy (or want of it) — how they directly, or indirectly, contrive to " serve out" those who refuse to bow to their authority — will readily
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understand this. There were plenty of minor feuds in this Boarding-House — as there are in all such — but war to the knife (and fork) was the unanimous sentiment against the Pet. The smaller manifestations of this generally consisted in rapidly disposing of the contents of dishes to which he was known to be partial, or passing them to re mote ends of the table ; admiring " Uncle Tom's Cabin ;" turning the conversation on the immorality of gambling ; doubting the accuracy of his watch, and pooh-poohing his opinions on every possible subject. When, therefore, he brought home a small dog, its owner's name was at once bestowed upon the animal, and a jocular fiction established as to its paternity. But the proverb about presenting a dog with a bad name was not carried out — the animal being rather a favorite than otherwise. And one evening, at the supper-table, the artist (who sat precisely opposite the Pet) took this dog on his lap, permitting him to dispose of a half-saucer full of milk full in the truculent face of his enragecl owner. It was simply an absurd incident, but comprised as complete a defiance of the Pet's authority as Tell's knocking the hat of Gesler off the pole. The boarders saw it in that light. The Londoner laughed sharp and cynically, his friend of the frills and the rings burst out into a great haw-haw, an ordinarily stolid printer, after inflaming his face until it assumed the color of a newly-cut slice of beet, exploded in a roar, his good-hu- inored little wife tittered, and even the wan countenance of the Pet's better half lighted up with the semblance of a smile. Finally, a universal grin flashed round the table. This produced a climax. The Pet leaped to his feet and darted, scowling, from the room. And the landlady, gliding behind the offender's chair with an aspect of con centrated fury, necked the dog and bore him vengefully into the passage. By the shrill yelps he uttered during
134 NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
the brief transit, we should judge that she pinched him considerably.
The Pet Boarder kept his room for full three weeks in consequence of this. Our landlady took meals to him in advance of the regular ones, and we sometimes heard him growling at her for not having selected precisely what he wanted. The boarders felt intense, though silent satis faction — but their triumph was short-lived. One by one they began to disappear, some quitting in accordance with their OAvn inclinations (accelerated by Mrs. 's tem per), others receiving intimations that their rooms were " wanted." It became evident that the Pet had re solved upon weeding the house of all who were obnox ious to his power. We were among the earliest to quit.
Since that time we have learned that the Pet has left. Occasionally we meet our former landlady on Broadway. She has a high color and dresses very gayly. We suspect that she rouges with less discretion than of old. But whether other Pets have succeeded xthe former* one — whether her Establishment is conducted on the same prin ciples now as then — or, indeed, whether it is in existence, we are at present ignorant.
CHAPTER XVI.
OF A TIP-TOP BOARDING-HOUSE.
F at any time during the perusal of the foregoing Chapters we have sunk in our reader's esti mation, as manifesting a sus picious familiarity with the dirty side of human nature, we con fidently expect that the present one will redeem our character. There can be nothing vulgar to chronicle of the Establishment now claiming attention. We especially plume ourself on having lived in it. Whenever inclined to depreciate, and to think small-beer of ourself, we turn to that page of memory's volume upon which the de tails are recorded, glance admiringly over them, and hold up our head elate with the consciousness that we had Two Months' Experience of a Tip-top Up-town Boarding- House.
It is situate in a due north-easterly direction from Mad ison Square, being one of a row of sober-brown houses forming the side of the street which connects.two avenues. They are large, stylish, pretentious mansions (at the time of our sojourn yet damp from recent erection), with much ornamental* iron work on either side of their heavy flights
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of stone steps, balconies running the length of the entire row, and windows, cornices, and lintels, of a highly ornate description. JEach individual tenement so strongly resem bles its neighbors that you can't help fancying that similar locks must have been fitted to the doors, and on coming home at nights, are distrustful of unintentionally effecting an entrance into the wrong domicile.
The lady proprietresses — for there are two, to whom you obtain an introduction through the medium of a mutual acquaintance — only admit a new boarder after the severest scrutiny as to references and respectability. Their Estab lishment is eminently aristocratic, so much so, indeed, that its gentility verges on the awful, from very intensity. You are supposed to imagine any amount of applicants lingering Peri-like at the portal, to be deeply conscious of your own superior happiness in obtaining ingress, and to deport yourself with equal reverence and humility both toward the house and its mistresses. Which ladies de serve, here, further description.
They are sisters, the elder a widow of five-and-forty, the younger her junior by a few years, and unmarried. Both may be considered good-looking, though their physiognomy is of that sharp-black-eyed, aquiline-nosed, thin-lipped order one prefers to think of in connection with Lady Macbeth and other unpleasantly-dramatic females, rather than to desire its presence as a household companion. Perhaps Mrs. is the* handsomer, matri mony having operated to mollify and tone down the severity of her aspect and temper. Her defunct husband — there is a portrait of him hanging in the sitting-room, representing a square-faced man of bilious complexion, and generally over-shaved appearance — is understood to have officiated as United States Consul to the court of Jonker Afrikaner, or some equally important* potentate,
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 137
and his relict assumes immense dignity in consequence. (She tells you how he endeavored to import a couple of hippopotami who died on the passage.) She is a tall, upright figure, and generally dresses in black velvet, which doesn't tend to relieve the depressing effect of her tournwe.
Her sister has, apparently, settled down to tne grim mest and most uncompromising spinsterhood. She wears her hair pulled violently back after that peculiar French- Chinese fashion, which seems to possess such great attrac tions to all Avomen whose faces it does n't suit, is partial to exuberant crinoline, to botany, and to her nephew. He is a small, but lofty-souled young gentleman of three- and-twenty, afflicted with a weakness of the eyes and knees, a desire to become a great public character, and an overpowering sense of his own importance, and that of the family.
The house is handsomely furnished throughout, exceed ing in display the Establishment described in Chapter Five. Combining the probable expense of this with a presumably high rent, we were, at first, somewhat at a
loss to conceive how Mrs. and her sister (who were
spoken of as being comparatively unprovided for at the demise of the African Consul), had contrived to commence business in so dashing a way ; but the mystery was subse quently explained to us. Among the boarders, we re marked, as especially intimate with the lady proprietresses, :i short, black-whiskered, high-complexion ed, crisp-looking man of fifty, who owned houses and lots on more than one of the avenues, dealt in land and building specula tions, and was generally reputed to be very wealthy. He, so we were privately informed, had advanced the necessary funds. Perhaps, indeed, the entire Establishment was a " speculation" of his.
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If so, to all appearance it was a successful one. The majority of the boarders were affluent, or desirous of seeming so, and willing to pay for that privilege. Mrs.
• (who, in virtue of her widowhood, assumed the part
of landlady jt?ar excellence) professed a more than Mrs. Gen eral-like contempt for money, making her sister collect the bills*, and occasionally using her as a pecuniary Jbr- kins • yet it was advisable to have a very definite under standing as to terms, or you would, invariably, find little " extras" crowding into your weekly accounts — to dispute
which, with a lady of Miss 's dignity and antecedents,
was really a formidable undertaking. You might, with as much consistency, have submitted a question of absent shirt-buttons to Mrs. Siddons, or suggested to Zenobia, when in reduced circumstances, the propriety of taking in washing.
There were upward of five-and-thirty boarders, over half of which number appertained to families who pre ferred this mode of residence on the score of fashion or — convenience. The wives had mostly made feeble attempts at house-keeping subsequent to marriage, and finding themselves as much at home in it as a kangaroo in a diving-bell, had " given up" in despair, declaring that do mestic duties were "a real plague," and "those Irish enough to worry any body's life out." The husbands — de voted to business and money-getting — could scarcely miss what few of them had experienced — a home — and per haps preferred confining their domestic expenses to def inite weekly or monthly payments. So the gentlemen were satisfied, the ladies relieved of the trouble of house keeping, and the children sent to school at an early age, where they took the initiatory steps toward becoming as hnppy and as useful members of society as their parents. Wo only remember one in connection with the Tip-Top
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Boarding-House — a pretty but horribly-spoiled little girl, the daughter of a good-looking widow, who was, herself, somewhat of a character.
She possessed an estate on Staten Island, but preferred New York during the winter from mingled motives — economy and love of flirtation. She lived — with her child and servant — in an attic, had a remarkably sweet voice, a $700 diamond necklace, and a mild penchant for herrings, cheese, and brandy and water — as we judged from olfactory testimony on going up-stairs nocturnally. She was of plump, buxom figure, yet so much disposed to deprecate her general tendency to jollity of appearance that upon our alluding to the double-chinnyness probably awaiting her, she actually tied her head up in a handker chief for a day or two to repress it ! She precipitated herself from violent friendships with lady-boarders to the very opposite extreme of the social compass. Her viva cious temperament impelled her to the utterance of loosely-generous promises — which she was very chary of redeeming. (We remember her rashly volunteering a $100 wedding-dress to a lady-boarder, in order to get off from paying a forfeit phUopcena, and being in a state of great apprehension subsequently in case it might bo looked for.) She — in common with most widows — pro fessed an indifference toward further experience of mat rimony, but cavaliers of about the age of her eldest son used to call upon her. Sometimes she had rows with the servants on their objecting to tell gratuitous libs about her not being " at home" to these gentlemen. Indeed, she was continually in hot water, having contracted an unlucky habit of tattling herself into scrapes. We were present during an altercation betAveen her and a longi tudinal Scotchman (engaged in the wholesale liquor busi ness) in which she expressed a desire to bite off his nose ;
140 THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
and afterward offered, over the supper-table, a reward of $100 to any body who'd cow-hide him. In the language of " sporting" men, there were no takers. Withal, Mrs.
could be very agreeable when she pleased — as the
landlady remarked, privately. And then she was very good-looking.
The remaining boarders comprised an equal number of single young ladies and gentlemen, many of the former having quitted their parents' homes "because it was dull," or for some equally excellent reason. Had you hinted to them the possibility of danger from being brought into contact with men of unknown, and perhaps not irreproachable characters, though of stylish exterior, they would have laughed, and Mrs. grown indig nant. As well fancy a Tombs lawyer obtaining admission into heaven as such an individual into her establishment. It was an up-town, patent-polished, carved and gilt edition of Eden, only people dressed in better taste, got up balls, and had a greater variety of dishes for dinner. Yet we have heard some of the gentlemen boarders converse among themselves — and about the young ladies, too — in a manner not compatible with the strictest propriety. But, to do the ladies justice, they appeared able to take care of themselves.
Prominent among bachelor-boarders was a bushy- whiskered man of forty — young, therefore, only by cour tesy — for, in addition to his age, he was prematurely laid. Yet he achieved prodigious popularity among the Ladies, whether married or single, especially the former. He had an elaborate foppishness of manner, an air of grave, confiding gallantry ; and would utter solemn plati tudes with an accent of such impressive sincerity as to con vince any feminine listener that he was the most tender, most susceptible, most excellent, most gentlemanly of
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 141
mortals. Privately, he was the loosest talker in the community.
This gentleman, if we recollect aright, in company with a couple of lady-boarders, originated what might be termed a Mutual- Admiration-and-Matrimony-Promoting Society, to which one especial evening in each week was devoted. The club — for so it was called — also met at the residences of outside members — chiefly Boarding- Houses. We were not honored by a fellowship, though present on several of these interesting reunions. The company assembled at about an hour and a half after din ner — say eight o'clock — and having transacted the more important business (such as going over the minutes of the preceding meeting, balloting for new members, etc.) within closed doors, admitted the uninitiated to the suc ceeding festivities. These generally commenced by the ladies and gentlemen reading passages from the poets, or essays of their own composition, on subjects previously dictated to them by the chairman — our bushy-whiskered friend before spoken of. He had but a feeble imagina tion, and would set ladies to writing scathing denuncia tions of the use of tobacco (he could n't smoke, and was consequently " down on" the wreed), and gentlemen to disquisitions on the relative tendencies of the works of Tennyson and Tupper. Sometimes we had recitations, and once a male boarder favored us wdth a dismal " Ode to the Memory of the Pilgrim Fathers," five newspaper columns in length (he got it inserted, subsequently, in a country journal), and was so complimented by the chair man — who manifested anger at seeing members whisper ing with the girls instead of listening — that he promised to wrrite another, and might have done so had not some judicious friend stolen his rhyming dictionary. Our chief made but one attempt at distinguishing himself, when he
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essayed to read Hiawatha, broke down most signally over the hard Indian names, and sulked for the remainder of the evening, all the coaxing of the ladies proving insuf ficient to restore his good-humor.
The Society was more successful in the musical portion of its entertainments, for many of the ladies played bril liantly and sang vociferously. And a gentleman of poetic aspect — which is to say, having long, dark hair, and re versed shirt-collars (he was in the express business down town) — accompanied himself upon the guitar. He had a good deal of fun in him in spite of his exterior, and used to sing a Hood-like Serenade of his own composition, in a manner that brought tears into the eyes of the fair audi tors, who declared it " beautiful," and demanded copies for their albums.*
* In case lady-readers may be desirous of following their example, the poem is here subjoined, by special permission of the author. Music publishers are herewith presented with a gratis copyright.
TUNE— the Dead March in La Gazza Ladra, played rapidly.
0 Lady, wake I the tuneful fox
Is twittering in the emerald sky — The star-fish 'gainst thy casement knocks ;
And in thy chamber, fluttering nigh The taper's flame, with silken wing,
The fragile penguin circles round, While, luridly, night's shadows fling
A ruddy darkness on the ground.
O'er the Campagna's bursting waves
The giraffe whistles wild and shrill, "While her small beak the simoom laves
"Within the azure daffodil. Sweet influences below, above,
An Iris-tinted clamor make — All wooing forth my lady-love
To walk abroad. 0 Lady, wake I
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But such diversions, though presumably the ones for which the Club was established, proved infinitely less attractive than the dance and game of romps or forfeits — instituted after a general failure in an attempt at acting charades — which always terminated the evening's enter tainments. We must, say we enjoyed Blindman's Buff immensely in the Tip-Top Boarding-House, not to speak of Hunt-the-Slipper and Fox-and-Geese — the title of which last, by-the-by, might have suggested, to a cynic, an omin ous moivil. Both ladies and gentlemen, single and married, " went in" for these sports with such ardor as to provoke an occasional remonstrance on the part of the spinster proprie tress. (There was, in truth, a mild conspiracy to keep her at piano-duty.) A sense of delicacy so nice as to constrain its possessor to the substitution of the words "stepper" or " walker" for a turkey's leg, at dinner (it is our belief that
Miss would have suffered martyrdom rather than
have used that vulgar substantive) could scarcely fail to receive an incidental shock or so. And the ladies and gentlemen did romp considerably. So much so that sometimes a husband exhibited symptoms of jealousy — which was, surely, very unreasonable, as he had an oppor tunity of paying attention to other ladies, and could any thing be fairer ?
At all events, Mrs. could n't help it if ladies would
flirt. She thought prudery uncalled-for in her Establish ment. No ill thing was there to be guarded against. As for such little incidents as a male boarder making love to a married lady who had recently quitted, and was then engaged in getting a divorce from her husband, why, they were, of course, perfectly proper.*
* Apropos of this, we have met so many divorced ladies in Board- ing-ITouses as to be almost inclined to infer a mysterious connexion and sympathy between them. Let no reader rashly venture to contradict
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Yet a circumstance did occur which proves that scarcely any amount of precaution can preserve the very cream of society from being ruffled by extraneous flies. We do not allude to the atrocious case of the miscreant of gentle manly exterior, who boarded for five weeks — and indeed comported himself every way in an unobjectionable man ner, but subsequently proved to be an actor — to the im mense disgust and indignation of the lady proprietresses. (Their son and nephew, by-the-by — the weak-eyed young gentleman before alluded to — threatened to kick the offender wherever he met him, but we haven't heard of Jthe recontre coming off yet.) The incident, as nar rated to us (it chanced a little before our time), happened as follows :
There came, ostensibly from New Orleans, a handsome dashing lady, with a French title, who, taking up her res idence at our Establishment — we presume she had a letter
of introduction, or Mrs. wouldn't have admitted
her — speedily excited quite afureur of admiration among the male boarders. She smiled so sweetly, talked so affa bly, had such a piquant foreign accent, such delicious naive ways, that all the gentlemen adored her, and brought home bouquets and opera tickets innumerable. The ladies, too, though naturally disposed to contemn a pretty woman, could not resist her stories of the Empress Eugenie, and the Parisian court. They consulted her about the fashions, and were emulous of her company on Broadway. The bushy-whiskered boarder presented her with a lap-dog, and wanted her to read Racine to the Society. The weak-eyed young gentleman put himself
us on the strength of his individual experience. He may n't have known the true position of his fair co-boarders. Half the ladies who are compelled (of course by the villainy of their husbands) to effect a divorce, immediately sink antecedents and start as Misses.
NEW YOBK B O ADDING- II OUSES. 145
through a severe course of French, in order to pay her compliments in her native language. Even Mrs. re laxed her dignity toward her pretty boarder — and told her in confidence divers particulars as to the habits and dispositions of the gentlemen. Which, as subsequently appeared, she turned to advantage.
Presently, however, awful rumors came to ear, of her being seen with gentlemen on the avenues, in fast-going buggies, and at theatres. It was remarked that though she had a large circle of male acquaintances, no lady visit ors ever called upon her. Certain milliners and dress makers, to whom she had become known through the medium of the boarders, began to complain of large out standing debts. She occasionally disappeared for a week or so, avowedly on journeys to Washington, where, she
said, she had friends. Finally Mrs. met her, one
evening, in Broadway, in company with one of the mar ried gentlemen boarders, disguised in male costume.
A furious row took place in consequence, in which the
7
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NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
Frenchwoman made use of language — as Mrs. de clared — absolutely unmentionable. The crisp-looking capi talist had to be called in to effect her removal. Two days afterward another gentleman (not the one who had as sisted at the promenade a la Amazon, but also a married man), deserted his wife to join her. They sailed for Havana by that week's steamer. And, from some re marks dropped on our arrival, we fancy that nearly all the male boarders had been privately and extensively victim ized in the way of loans to the lady.
CHAPTER XVII.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE YOU'RE EXPECTED TO MAKE LOVE TO THE LANDLADY.
•E had known more than one Establishment which possessed this character istic in an imperfectly de veloped degree, but until Destiny, foreseeing our present task, guided us to the abode we are about to describe, never had we beheld it in full com pleteness.